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Reviews for Want Too Much

By : Tender_Lover96
  • From ANON - Anon on February 11, 2012
    I hope you don't mind some constructive criticism. It's great that you decided to use 1st person to write your first story. The dialogue was very colourful and the characterization was amusing for Bakura, Malik and Marik. Now while your oral scene was very creative, it could have used a little more description. (Imagery-touch, taste, smell, sound, sight) I have noticed a few other things if you don't mind me mentioning. Try to avoid using "said" a lot after a line of dialogue. It becomes very repetitious; instead try using some action to make things go smoothly.

    I will offer you a word of caution; keep characterization in mind when using language in 1st person. Ryou is very polite in the manga and anime; therefore, he wouldn't be using explicit language in his description. If it was from Bakura's POV, the language would have worked perfectly.

    I hope you don't mind me picking at your story; a mistake is not a mistake if you learn from it. (Don’t worry, I'm terrible at grammar) Best of luck! I'm looking forward to the sequel.
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  • From dragonlady222 on February 08, 2012
    Ryou was not such an innocent, after all. He is a highly sexed dom and a sometime Uke. Poor Marik and Malik need to just do each other instead of fighting over Bakura.
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  • From loot1991 on February 08, 2012
    what was the hole for ?
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