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Darkness and Despair	By : SuT Category: Yu-Gi-Oh > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 1099 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own YuGiOh!, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-Darkness and Despair
- 1
A/N: To get it out
of the way…I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh…happy now?

I’m just going to warn readers that this is an incredibly
dark piece. It’s yaoi and deals with
incest, so if you are squeamish about such things, please do not read further.

Also, most of this is written as a journal from Mokuba’s
point of view. Therefore the grammar
and structure is choppy, much like a personal journal would be. I hope it doesn’t make it too difficult to
read or understand.

I’d also like to apologize to Seto for not allowing him his
say. It does seem unfair to me that I
have put him in such a position without the ability to defend himself. Perhaps that is a story for another day.

And lastly… I have some reservations about this fic and I
felt somewhat weird writing it, so please send some feedback my way, it’s
greatly appreciated.

Darkness and Despair

Yugi had
been overwhelmed with grief for so long now he didn’t know how he’d ever get
out of it’s black depths. He had
finally found true happiness in the arms of such a wonderful person, just to
have that person be snatched away from him in one fell swoop. It wasn’t fair! He rolled to his side curling into a fetal position, pillow
clutched to his chest. There were no
more tears to be drawn from his exhausted eyes. He had none left. His body
hurt from the sobs that racked him, hurt from the sheer presence of a despair
so strong it was threatening to pull him under like a rip tide. He had been holed up in his room for three
days since the funerals, refusing to speak to anyone.

“Mokuba.” He whispered the name into the darkness,
alarmed at how horrible his own voice sounded to him.

He heard a
soft rap on the door and opening his eyes was all the response the person was
getting. The door opened and Yami
entered holding a thin package. He was
being as supportive as he could be under the circumstances, but was at a loss
at what else he could do.

“This came
for you.” Yami sat on the bed next to
Yugi and handed him the package before running a hand gently over the boy’s
hair. “You should really come
downstairs and eat something, it’s been days since you’ve had anything.”

Yugi shook
his head slightly under the hand. “I
don’t think it’ll stay down anyway.”

“I don’t
think Mokuba would want you to torture yourself like this.” Yami understood loss, had experienced it
more times than he’d like to remember.

“You know
nothing of what Mokuba would want!”
Yugi hissed in anger, shrugging Yami’s hand off of him and rolling away.

Yami stood,
wounded by those words but letting it go.
He had already lost Yugi to Mokuba once and felt a surge of hate for
Mokuba that it was happening again. He
knew it was unfair for him to feel this way.
Yami also mourned the loss of the boy.
Hopefully Yugi would snap out of this depression and want to join the
world of the living again.

“If you
need anything I’m here for you.”

Yugi didn’t
respond and stubbornly remained facing away until he heard the door clicked
close. He felt horrible for hurting
Yami, but his emotions were all tangled in knots and Yami just wound them
tighter. He needed to get through this
on his own and once that was done he prayed Yami would still be there. He rolled to his back then sat up, still
holding the package in his hand. It was
dark in his room and it was impossible to see who it was from. He groaned and forced himself to turn on the
light, squinting against the brightness.
His eyes felt hot and dry from his spent tears and the bright light was
making them burn.

He settled
himself on the bed cross-legged, leaning against the wall. He turned the package in his hands,
examining it. His breath caught in his
throat as he looked at the familiar handwriting. There was no return address, but the spiky scrawl surely belonged
to Mokuba. His heart was beating
frantically in his chest as he opened the seal on the large yellow envelope and
slid out its contents. It was small
leather bound book about an inch thick.
The cover was smooth under his fingertips as he lifted it up to his nose
and inhaled. The moaned like a wounded
animal as the scent brought Mokuba flooding back to him. How could his heart ache this fiercely and
still go on beating?

Yugi opened
the cover and a slip of white paper slid out onto his lap. He picked it up, almost afraid to open it.

If
you’re reading this I’m no longer here and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to stay with you. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to
overcome. I’m sending you my journal so you’ll understand why I had to leave,
and maybe you can forgive me my sins.
Know that I love you more than anything and will for all eternity. Don’t mourn for me, but live with my memory
forever in your heart. Live for me the
life I wasn’t strong enough to live myself.
I love you. ~Mokuba

Tears he
didn’t think he had left ran down his cheeks.
He was shaking so badly he dropped the note and journal onto the
comforter before he lunged off the bed and sprinted to the bathroom. He just made it before dry heaves overcame
his empty stomach, pain shooting through his abdomen as he knelt on the
floor. A cool cloth was pressed against
the back of his neck as Yami appeared next to him speaking soothing words into
his ear and pulling him into an embrace.
Yugi melted into it, allowing himself to empty out, until only a husk
was left. He let Yami carry him back
to his room and settle him into the bed, curling up next to him until sleep
took over.

Yami got up
quietly to let Yugi rest. He picked up
the book and held it for a moment, figuring it was what he received in the
mail, before placing it on the nightstand.
Sleep would clear Yugi’s mind, make whatever the contents of the book
was easier to read. He kissed the
sleeping boy on the fore head before leaving with a heavy heart.

Yugi awoke
to late morning sunshine streaming into his room. He felt empty, but better than he had in the last week. Maybe he had cried out the last of the
poison that was eating away at his soul, the guilt that he should have known
something was wrong. His head pounded
as he sat up and stretched. He noticed
the book on the nightstand and reached out to touch it before pulling his hand
back. He needed to be fully with it
before opening that up. He stood and
headed toward the bathroom. A long hot
shower and some breakfast were what he needed, even though he felt more like
going back to sleep.

He returned
to his room and felt worlds better.
Toast and tea were all his stomach could handle, but even so little made
him feel much stronger. It also helped
his outlook being in clean clothes. It
was sad that he couldn’t remember the last shower he had taken, never mind the
last time he changed his clothes. He
looked at the book again, but forced himself to wait while he did menial
tasks. He stripped his bed and put on
fresh sheets before picking up his dirty clothes and heading down to the
laundry. Such simple things made him
feel normal again and he was glad.

After
putting off the inevitable for as long as he could, he sat down on his made bed
and reached for the book. He had cracked
open the window and was surprised how sweet the air smelled and smiled. He opened the book to the first page and
started reading. August 12, 2000. Yugi stopped. Mokuba had started this journal about 6 months after they started
seeing each other. He lowered his eyes
once again to the page.

August 12, 2000
Yugi and I left early to spend the day at the beach. It was perfect. The sky was that flawless blue you can only see on late summer
days and the ocean was calm and beautiful.
It was so nice to finally be able enjoy ourselves for a change. We didn’t tell anyone where we were going so
we got to spend the day ALONE. It was
great to feel the warm sun on my back and Yugi’s sweet lips under mine. I would have liked to feel more of him under
me, but the beach was a little too crowded for that. Sigh, we’ll just have to wait.
He had to work right after we got back so I headed home. It was weird. When I got home Seto was already here and it wasn’t even 4
o’clock. He seemed edgy and moody so I
didn’t want to press him. I started to
tell him about my day and he got up and walked out without saying
anything. He didn’t come back and a
little while ago I heard him leave and drive off. I hope work’s not getting to him. Well, he’ll talk to me when he’s ready.

August 15, 2000
I haven’t seen Seto since Wednesday after I got back from
the beach. He’s called a few times to
check in but it’s not like him to not come home at all. I’m getting worried. I tried to visit him, but he rushed out
saying he had an important meeting to go to and never looked back. I hope he’s okay and would tell me if he
wasn’t. I’ll wait a few more days
before I intervene, maybe I’m jumping to conclusions. Who knows!?
Yugi and I watched a movie at his place and fooled around
a bit. He is so incredible and
sweet. I know were trying to pace
ourselves and not rush into anything but the waiting is driving me crazy. Not that I ever leave unsatisfied, I just
wish for simple things…like lying in bed together naked! Is it too much to ask to feel his skin
against mine? We seem to always keep
clothes on in case we get caught. I
almost don’t care if we get caught; it’s driving me nuts! But I love it too…

August 16, 2000
Seto came home this morning, showered and went to
bed. I tried to talk to him while he
was in the shower like I usually do and he freaked out and told me to
leave. What the fuck is his
problem!! He needs to talk to me about
what’s bothering him before he turns into a total raging asshole!! If he can’t tell me who can he tell? He never got up and after the shower
incident I’m not going to wake him up.
I hope this sorts itself out soon.

August 21, 2000
I came home from the fair about 11 (we had a great time)
and I found Seto sitting in the living room in the dark. He was just sitting there, who knows how
long, waiting for me. I wasn’t late,
actually I was a half hour early, so I don’t know what his problem was. He startled me when I turned on the light, I
didn’t expect anyone to be there in the dark. His eyes were bloodshot.
At first I thought he’d been crying but then I realized he’d been
drinking. At first he doesn’t say
anything to me, then he motions for me to come over and sit near him. I do, and I can smell the booze…I swear it’s
coming out of his pores. He just leans
back, looking at me like he’s having trouble focusing, and asks me if I had a
good time. He’s looking at me really
strange then gets up and goes upstairs.
What the fuck?? By the time I
made it upstairs he was already asleep, I could hear him breathing. He’s got to come clean soon because this is
getting weird.

September 5, 2000
I haven’t been able to write in a while. The rest of the summer went by in a
flash. Yugi and I have been trying to
spend as much time with each other as possible before he goes off to
college. I’m going to miss him, but I’m
stuck here in high school. I guess it’s
the price I pay for being younger. He’s
leaving on Sunday to move into the dorm, and I’m going with him to help him get
settled. It’s about a 2-hour drive so
hopefully we’ll be able to see each other after school starts. I have faith in our relationship, so I’m
trying not to worry about being apart.

I finally got Seto to talk to me, a little, and he just
said that the company was getting overwhelming and everybody but him was
incompetent (at least he sounded like himself). I promised him I’d work more once school starts. I’m going to
have the free time to gobble up with Yugi gone. Seto still seems a bit off…maybe he’s lonely? Dunno.
I’ll try to spend more time getting him to loosen up. God Yugi, I’ll miss you!

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?

September 10, 2000
School started yesterday and it was easy to slip back
into the routine. I miss Yugi so much
my heart aches, but I’ve been talking to him on the phone every night and it
helps a little. We’re planning for me
to go up there on the 19^th and spending the night. Of course I still have to run it by Seto so
we’ll see. I’ve been working more and
Seto seems genuinely happy to have me there, he seems more like himself. I even got him to agree to hit the movies
with me on Friday. Hopefully he’s out
of his funk. I’m off to do homework (I
can’t believe I have so much of it already!) and to get to bed. I’ve been so busy the time is flying which
is good, the 19^th will get here quicker.

September 14, 2000
I can’t believe how tough this weekend was without
Yugi. I knew I loved him, but it’s
torture without him. Is it supposed to
be this tough?? It’s going to be a long
fucking school year if it doesn’t get better.
Seto and I went to the movies and I think I saw him smile. I don’t envy him the responsibilities on his
shoulders and hope that working with him will lessen his burden. He seemed so happy to have me around I
couldn’t bring myself to bring up the 19^th. I need to ask him soon.

September 16, 2000
I couldn’t put off asking him any longer. He said I could go, but looked so defeated
when I asked him. It’s almost like he
was happy to have Yugi gone so he could have me all to himself. I’m sure that’s not it exactly. I mean, he’s my brother, but he’s also been
both my parents for so long he’s probably just getting depressed that I’m
growing up. He really needs to find
someone to share his life with, I’m not going to live with him forever! I’m going to try to get past my guilt for
leaving him and enjoy my weekend with Yugi.
I hate feeling like I have to choose between them. Fuck.

September 21, 2000
Oh my fucking god!!
This weekend was the best of my life!
Yugi’s roommate ended up bunking up with a friend and leaving us the
room. We got to be ALONE!! Needless to say I am no longer a
virgin! It was incredible getting to
give myself to the man I love. Hell, it
was incredible just to feel his skin against mine and to wake up in his
arms. It was so hard to leave, but I
had to. Maybe knowing the depth of our
relationship now it will make everything easier. We are committed to each other and that’s all that matters. I have yet to see Seto, he’s at the office
and not answering the phone. I’ll wait
up for him.

Seto never came home.
It’s 3am and I’m off to bed. I
guess I’ll see him when I go into work after school tomorrow.

September 22, 2000
Was tired at school all day but still dragged my ass to
work. Seto barely acknowledged my
presence then left as soon as he gave me my “to do list”. C’mon, he can’t be that upset about this
weekend, can he? After I got home he
wasn’t here. At this point I don’t care
where he is. I’ve tried to talk to him
now it’s his turn. I’m feeling all
twisted around. I miss Yugi, but now
feel guilty for missing him. Thanks a
lot Seto, you’re supposed to be understanding!

September 23, 2000
I woke up in the middle of the night and found Seto
sitting on the end of my bed. He was
drunk off his ass and just sitting there crying. I sat up and asked him what was wrong, did something happen? He just shook his head, said everything was
fine and got up and left. I got up and
followed him into his room, but when I tried the knob it was locked. We never lock our bedroom doors. Ever.
I knocked a few times, trying to coax him out but got no answer so gave
up. He’s really losing it and it’s
scaring me a little. It’s hard for me
to concentrate in school with all this on my mind, it’s affecting my grades
already. Of course Seto will assume
that any change in my grades has to do with Yugi, but it doesn’t, it’s
HIM! He was distant at work, but at
least stayed with me. I haven’t seen
him tonight, he’s still at the office and I’m going to give him his space. ARGH!

September 26, 2000
I saw Seto for the first time in the last three days and
he looks like shit. He hasn’t shaved
and his clothes were wrinkled. It
looked like he slept in them. I tried
to talk to him but he said he had somewhere to be and took off. Fuck this!
I’m staying right here until he comes home and getting him to talk to
me, this is ridiculous.

I don’t even know how to put tonight into words. I waited up until 4 am…well, I fell asleep
on the couch, but woke up as soon as Seto stumbled in. I was sitting there and he looked at me and
turned away to head upstairs. I jumped
up and stood in front of him so he had to deal with me. I asked him what the fuck his problem
was. He just grunted and tried to go
around me. So I grabbed him by the arm
to stop him and he swung me around and pushed me against the wall. He said ‘I wouldn’t touch me if I were
you.’ I didn’t know what to say, he’d
never threatened me before, ever, so I had no idea how far I could push
him. I told him he needed to tell me
what was going on, that I was worried about him. He told me I didn’t want to know. He let go of me and turned and I grabbed his arm again. This time he slammed me against the wall,
hard and put his face really close to mine.
His eyes were bright red yet still piercing blue and he just said ‘leave
me the fuck alone before I do something we both regret.’ He let go of me and bolted. I am so freaked out. I ended up sitting there crying like a baby
before coming back to my room. What did
I do to make him hate me so much??

September 29, 2000
I feel so alone.
Yugi’s away at school and is so busy he can’t make it home. I can’t go there again, I don’t even want to
bring such a thing up to my brother.
And of course my brother is avoiding me like the plague. I just wish he’d tell me what I did!! He hasn’t talked to me since Friday, well I
guess it was actually early Saturday morning.
He really hasn’t even made eye contact with me. Maybe he just feels bad for being an
asshole. I wish he would just let me
in!! It’s getting harder and harder to
deal with school and it’s all fun and games until Seto gets my progress
report. Fuck!

October 5, 2000
Yugi made it home this weekend!! It was so nice to see him. He helped his grandfather do inventory, so
he worked for a lot of it, but at night he was mine. Getting to spend this time with him makes all the waiting worth
it. We managed to sneak up to his room
and it was enough to fulfill me until he’s home at the end of the
semester. I never thought I could ever
love anyone this much! I almost told
him about how weird Seto was getting, but I didn’t want to worry him. He’s taking on a huge workload, he’s got
enough to worry about. I’m sure this
thing with Seto will work itself out.

October 6, 2000
I woke up for the second time and found Seto sitting on
my bed. This time he was sitting next
to me stroking my hair. When I opened
my eyes he had a weird expression on is face, it made me uncomfortable. I asked him if he was okay. He said ‘as long as I have you I’m
fine.’ I have no idea what the hell
that meant, I was just happy he was talking to me. I told him he’d always have me.
It was strange…he looked at me like he didn’t know who I was. It was like his eyes clouded over or
something. He whispered ‘go back to
sleep’, then bent down and kissed me on the lips. We haven’t kissed each other on the lips since I was a little
kid. It kind of freaked me out. Maybe he’s just feeling lonely, but it
doesn’t feel right. Things have got to
get better, right??

October 10, 2000
It’s been a long week.
I had 3 tests and a paper due and it was all I could do to focus on my
schoolwork. I didn’t work this week
because of school, but Seto seemed okay with it. Relieved would be a more accurate description but it saddens me
to think that he’s actually relieved to not have to see me. I wish I had someone to talk to about this,
but there is no one. What’s happening??

October 11, 2000
I have to write this down if just to get it straight in
my mind. I’m so fucked up! Seto had been drinking steadily all day, but
he was actually talking to me, so I was glad.
We played some pool and watched a movie. He seemed a little touchy feely which was strange seeing we
rarely touched each other. We were
cooking dinner together and he came up behind me while I was stirring something
on the stove. He kind of pressed
himself into me as he looked over my shoulder to see how the food was coming
along. He reached around me, pulling me
closer and buried his nose in my hair.
I’ve been so starved for attention and it felt nice to be touched. I leaned into him without really thinking
about it, enjoying how warm he felt.
Then he kissed the side of my neck.
I mean, he didn’t suck on it or anything, just a little peck. Then he made a weird noise in the back of
his throat and pulled away and left the room.
He wouldn’t make eye contact with me during dinner and excused himself
after and locked himself in his room. I
just wish I knew what was going on, and what was going on when he hugged
me. Why did I like it so much?

October 14, 2000
I think I’m going crazy.
I write here because I can tell no one.
Life was so normal and now my closet is brimming with skeletons. I was sleeping and I guess I was having a
nightmare, I don’t really remember what it was about…I just remember that I was
lost and scared. I must have been
yelling in my sleep because I woke up with Seto shaking me (not violently, just
enough to wake me up) and he was just saying ‘it’s okay, I’m here’ over and over. I looked at him and noticed he was just in
his boxers. I don’t know why I would
take note in that, I’ve seen him in his underwear a million times before. I sat up and he put his arms around me,
comforting me. The dream had been so
intense, and my emotions were all over the board, so I was glad to have his
comfort and warmth. He cradled me
against his chest and I felt loved for the first time in a long time. He asked ‘do you want me to lay with you
until you fall asleep?’ I felt like I
was 5 again and didn’t mind, I was happy when I was 5. He stretched next to me, on top of the
covers, and pulled me into his arms and I lay my head on his chest. He was stroking my hair and kissed the top
of my head, it was nice. Then I looked
down his body and noticed he had a hard on.
I mean, he was just wearing boxers so it was extremely obvious. I couldn’t believe how it made me feel. I was uncomfortable and embarrassed sure,
but I also felt…how do I put this…I felt turned on. My heart started racing and I just wanted to run. I looked up at him, wondering what I could
possibly say, when he lowered his head and kissed me. He didn’t smell of alcohol, so I don’t think he’d been drinking. He pulled away and the expression on his
face tore at my heart. His face was a
mask of guilt, guilt and passion. He
pushed me off to leave but that look on his face broke something within
me. I pulled him back down and told him
I didn’t want him to leave. He kissed
me again, harder this time and his tongue darted out and licked my lower
lip. My mind was racing with the
situation, it was more than I could process.
Our kiss deepened and Seto became the aggressor. Passion clouded both our minds as our hands
wandered to explore each other’s bodies.
I love my brother and wouldn’t do anything that would hurt him, but
never thought I’d be doing this. Things
got out of hand, I can admit that, but we were both so lonely it was easy to
do. We didn’t have sex really, we just
touched each other and kissed…our boxers never even came off, we just had our
hands underneath them. I came first and
I think that was enough to get him off because he came right after. He just lay there silent while his breathing
slowed then he untangled himself from me and just started crying, saying how sorry
he was, that he didn’t mean for it to happen, that he loved me. He left and I heard the lock clicking shut
on his door. I just lay there awake so
confused about what happened. He
shouldn’t be sorry, I didn’t stop him and I could have. What does that say about me?? God, I feel fucking awful…

By the time I woke up he was gone. I don’t know where. He just left a note saying he’s sorry and he
left. What do I do now?

October 18, 2004
Yugi came home today to surprise me. I feel so miserable. I betrayed him, betrayed him with my own
brother. I could never tell him that, I
could never tell anyone that. So I
pretended everything was fine, and I think I was convincing. He begged me to spend the night but I just
couldn’t. How could I be intimate with
him knowing what I’ve done? I told him
I didn’t feel good and came home. I don’t think he was too upset with me, and I
promised I’d see him tomorrow. I’m
going to have to pull myself together long enough to be with him, he’ll wonder
what’s up if I don’t. I hate to lie,
especially to Yugi.

October 19, 2004
Yugi went back to school tonight and I think I managed to
smooth over any hurt feelings before he left.
We went to the park and walked through the leaves and were just
together. It was really sweet. Our day together was enough to relax me so
we got to spend some ‘quality time’ before he left. I DO love him, making love to him is beautiful, but I couldn’t
stop myself from thinking of another as he had me. What kind of sick freak am I?

October 24, 2000
It’s Friday night and Seto has successfully avoided me
all week. Granted school was hectic,
but I did managed to work at the office.
He was conveniently out while I was there of course. I wonder if anyone else is noticing
this? I talked to Yugi on the phone and
he accused me of being distant. I feel
terrible talking to him with my betrayal lurking over my head, pretending I’m
being the faithful lover. Why is this
happening to me?

October 25, 2000
Seto finally came home.
He’s being incredibly polite and trying to stay out of my way. He won’t look me in the eye and it’s killing
me. I don’t want him to feel so badly
about it, I’m a big boy and didn’t stop him.
He’s taking all this guilt on himself and we should share it. Maybe I can get up the courage to tell him
that.

I managed to corner him, in his bedroom. No wonder he’s been locking his door. I’ll try to start at the beginning…He
skipped dinner so I fixed him a tray and brought it up. He tried to just take it from me at the door
with a ‘thank you’, but I wouldn’t let him and insisted on carrying it in. I couldn’t let myself back down. So I put the tray down on his desk and told
him I wanted to talk to him. He
immediately started in with ‘Mokuba, I was wrong, I am so sorry…’, but I cut
him off. I said to him, ‘don’t I have a
say in this, I’m not a kid anymore! You
are beating yourself up over this but you didn’t force me to do anything. I’m not a child, I’m a man and I’m
responsible for my own actions.’ He
just looked at me, but I could tell he was thinking. He smirks at me and says, “You are a man, and that’s the
problem.” I just shook my head, not
really understanding what he meant. I
begged him to just talk to me so I could understand. He stood next to me and grabbed me by the shoulders, squeezing so
it hurt and said, “you’re not safe around me, don’t you get it?” I shook my head and told him ‘no, I don’t
get it!’. So he tells me he loves
me…yeah, I love him too right? But no,
he tells me he loves me, as in he’s in love with me and doesn’t know
what to do. He sits down and cradles
his head in his hands and just looks so beaten down. I hate to see him like this, it breaks my fucking heart. I tell him to just tell me, tell me
everything. To basically summarize…I
guess it all started when I started dating Yugi. Seto hated having to share me with someone else, he felt lonely
and abandoned. Then he started to feel
jealous about what we had together. Not
jealous that Yugi and I had something he didn’t, but jealous that Yugi had
me. He tells me it’s just been getting
worse and worse…he’s being overwhelmed with thoughts and urges and can’t live
with the torture. He actually talked
about contemplating suicide! It scared
me deeply. I love my brother and am
loyal to him, he’s my whole family. So
I sit next to him and put my arm around him and tell him we’ll work this out
together. He’s got to stop
self-destructing, he’s all I have and I can’t exist without him. He looked at me with such hope then. I can’t describe it. I stayed with him until he fell asleep. Nothing happened, we just held each other
then I got up and came to write. I hate
to admit this but I had to resist the urge to lock the door. It would break his heart if he found I’d
done that but part of me wants to keep him from coming to me in the night. What will I do?

October 31, 2000
Yugi invited me up to school for a Halloween party, but I
couldn’t bring myself to tell Seto.
Things have been getting somewhat back to normal over the last week and
I didn’t want to rock the boat. I know
Yugi was disappointed but I don’t think he was mad. I wish I could tell him everything but I could never do it. I could never do that to Seto, I could never
betray my brother. Plus how could I
ever explain my part in this. Part of
me, some small sick part of me, actually likes that Seto is attracted to
me. How could Yugi ever love a sick
fuck like that? I can never tell. Anyway, Seto hasn’t been drinking as much
and he’s looking like he’s been sleeping more.
We’re still awkward around each other, but I don’t think it’s noticeable
to others, just us. We’ll get through
this.

It’s 3 am and I need to talk to someone so badly, and I’m
so frustrated that this goddamned journal is all I have! I was sleeping and I woke up and just felt
someone watching me. My stomach knotted
up and I forced myself to pretend I was sleeping and not roll over to look at
him. I waited, just trying not to hold
my breath, just trying to maintain my sleeping ruse. I realize now that I wasn’t afraid of him, of what he might do,
but I was afraid of what I might do. I
think he kneeled at my bedside, it was hard to tell and he stroked my back and
my hair. I heard a rustling and I think
he started to jerk off. I’m not wearing
a shirt so I felt his breath on my back and his hand just kept running along my
bare skin. He sobbed after he came, I
know he was riddled with guilt. I wish
I could of said something but I was frozen there, so confused. He left and I was relieved, relieved and
disappointed at the same time. Knowing
Seto had been here doing what he was doing was too much for me and I ended up
rolling over and jerking off. Jerking
off while fantasizing about my own brother.
What the hell is wrong with us???
Is this some weird hereditary mutant from the gene pool? I’m so confused.

November 2, 2000
Got into a fight with Yugi over the phone. It’s the first fight we’ve ever been
in. He feels that I’m distancing myself
from him. How can I deny it, it’s
true…even though I do deny it. I hate
what I’m doing to him, I can’t stand lying like this. I just can’t bring myself to face his purity with my own black
soul. The problem is, I don’t think I
can look him in the eye and not give up these sins. So, I find myself here avoiding him, not putting myself in such a
position. Fuck. Yugi is the best thing to ever happen to me
and I’m blowing it. But then again,
Seto is my family and my life and I can’t betray him. I swear I’m dying slowly inside.
My life is passing me by a day at a time. I’m going through the motions but it’s all it black and
white. I miss the color. Seto is still being weird, but then again so
am I now. After Friday night I feel
that I’m just as guilty as him…I’m just as involved in this web of…fuck I might
as well call a spade a spade…incest. I
feel like the Kaiba name has been cursed.

November 5, 2000
Couldn’t avoid Yugi forever, finally called him after not
answering the phone since Sunday. I do
miss him, but I also miss what he represents…what we used to be in the beginning. I promised I would come up this weekend and
stay over Saturday to Sunday. I’m just
going to have to face Seto. I still
have a responsibility to Yugi and I’m just too selfish to let him go. I should.
I should just tell him it’s over and let him get on with his life, but I
can’t bring myself to do it. I NEED him
to keep me out of despair…our love is pure, or was until I tainted it. Maybe it could still be the same between us,
maybe we could get through this. If
only I could tell him. I hate myself.

November 7, 2000
I sacrificed a part of my soul tonight. Blackened any purity I may have had left to
go see my love. It’s worth it, I
suppose. Will Yugi be able to tell,
will he sense my lies and deceptions? I
need to purge my soul here before I see him, empty out the poison so I’m not
tempted to unleash it on him. I had to
tell Seto that I was going to Yugi.
Just the thought of having to tell him was making me ill. I saw him at the office, but waited until we
were home. I don’t want to put our
business out there. We actually rode
home together for a change, usually I leave hours before he does. The limo was filled with awkward silence, he
just focused out the window, not looking at me at all. After dinner I told him I wanted to talk to
him and he sighed like he knew what was coming. We went into the living room and sat down. I didn’t ask his permission this time, just
told him that I was going. I couldn’t
believe it. I expected him to be mad
maybe or pissy but he was just sad. He
told me fine and actually choked up. It
killed me, it really did. I love my
brother and never want to hurt him.
Never. This next part was my
fault, and I take full responsibility.
I sat next to him and put my arm around him to comfort him and he turned
to look at me. He looked at me with
such sadness and longing it broke me. I
touched his cheek and that was as much of an invitation as he needed. He kissed me, but wasn’t rough. He was gentle and it undid me. Things got out of hand so fast, I almost
don’t know what happened. First we were
just kissing, and yes I was an equal participant, I’m willing to admit
that. Then everything got out of hand,
maybe it was hormones, maybe loneliness.
I don’t know anything anymore.
He ended up carrying me upstairs to his room. I know that all I had to say was no and it would have ended but I
didn’t. I didn’t because although I
knew what we were doing was wrong I didn’t want it to end. Part of it was to please him, sure, but part
of it was for myself. I’d like to say
we got carried away, but I don’t think you could ever be that carried away
really, we both knew what we were doing.
We didn’t fuck, at least we didn’t go that far. But we didn’t hold anything else back. I don’t know what kind of person it makes me
to admit that I liked it. To look down
and see Seto giving me head was indescribable.
Afterwards we both felt guilty and bad.
At least this time we didn’t run and hide, but stayed together in our
shame. We just laid there in the dark
holding each other and feeling so dirty.
Seto kept telling me he was sorry and it just made me mad. We were both equally to blame, I am not his
responsibility! Anyway, we managed to
actually talk for the first time in months, maybe it was the darkness that
helped, or the fact that we were now joined with something that was ours alone,
twisted or not. Seto managed to tell me
that he’s been jealous of Yugi since the beginning and the thought of me being
with him was almost too much to bear. I
told him I couldn’t give Yugi up, he was what kept me going. Seto replied ‘I want to be the one who keeps
you going’. What the fuck am I supposed
to say to that?? I told him he was, but
with Yugi it’s different. He
understands that I need Yugi, and told me he won’t come between us, but he
wants me too. I didn’t know what the
fuck to tell him, but just kept quiet and let him hold me. I’m so fucking confused! And Yugi, what the hell am I supposed to do
now?? I’m going up there this weekend
and now I get to hide my sex life with my own brother. Will I be able to lie? And is this fair to Yugi? Oh what a tangled web we weave…

November 9, 2000
Just got back from visiting Yugi and actually had a
really good time. I decided before I
left that none of this was Yugi’s fault, so why punish him with the
unpleasantness. I know I’m being
unfaithful but it’s so out of control I don’t know what to do about it. I need Yugi’s love to keep me sane. I love him, I really do! We had a great time just being
together. Our lovemaking was passionate
and I didn’t allow Seto to even enter my thoughts. Maybe I can live with this betrayal, maybe I can separate the two
enough to make it okay. I just don’t
want to hurt anyone. I haven’t seen
Seto since I got back, he’s not here, maybe I can put seeing him off until
tomorrow.

November 10, 2000
I’m not going to school today. I’m too exhausted, both emotionally and physically to deal. I think Seto left for work already so I can
just stay in bed and sleep and forget everything for a while. Last night I was just grabbing something
from the fridge when Seto came in. He
was drunk and looked like he hadn’t slept since I left. His eyes were so cold as he looked at me. I’ve seen that look before but never
directed at me…now I feel for his enemies, I really do! Anyway, I ask him what’s wrong (can you say
mistake?), so he snorts and smirks at me shaking his head. ‘Don’t you
know?’ He comes and stands really close
to me and asks ‘so, did you let him fuck you?’. I got mad then and tell him it’s none of his fucking business
what I did with Yugi. Needless to say
he didn’t like that very much. He grabs
me and slams me against the fridge and kisses me hard, then pulls away and says
‘you belong to me, not him’. What the
fuck do I say to that? He kisses me
again, pulling at my clothes and being rough.
He keeps saying that I belong to him and telling me no one would ever
love me like he does. It was almost
like he was possessed. I felt so guilty
knowing I was the cause for his distress.
I know it’s fucked up feeling guilty that I spent the weekend fucking my
boyfriend and not my brother but it’s how he made me feel, I hate seeing him
like this. So I tried to calm him,
tried to release the demon that had possessed him. It was my doing, I take responsibility for it…I took him by the
hand and led him to my room. I just
wanted to calm him. I let him fuck
me. What else is there to say? I feel like there’s no turning back now.

November 14, 2000
I’m going through the motions and think I may even be
convincible. I talk to Yugi and pretend
I’m happy. I go to school and pretend
like I’m trying, I go to work and try to act normal then I come home to my
brother’s bed. It’s like an addiction,
I know it’s wrong but can’t stop myself.
Seto’s like a junkie, he can’t get enough of me and I provide him with
his fix. We don’t talk about what we’re
doing, we just exist together in darkness then reemerge with the light and fake
our existence. My soul is draining away
an ounce at a time, and my shame is overwhelming. But I need to be honest with myself, I may lie to everyone else
but I refuse to lie to myself. I admit
that if I was given the choice to stop, to just end it all, I don’t know if I
would. I’m fucking disturbed!

November 16, 2000
Yugi came home this weekend and I felt like such a
fraud. But I also felt cleaner when I
was with him…I felt normal for a change.
He loves me and it keeps me going.
I avoided Seto like the plague all weekend, not wanting to be tainted by
his scent lest Yugi think something was strange. I should just let Yugi go and find someone else. Why am I so selfish?

November 17, 2000
Last night Seto fucked me so hard I’m sore today. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me, it’s just
when I’m with Yugi it makes him crazy.
I deserve the pain anyway…I cause so much. If only Yugi knew what an evil person I am there would be no way
he could still love me. I should just
tell him and get it over with. I’m no
good for him, I’ll only hurt him in the end.
I don’t think I can bring myself to go to school today. Lately I only feel alive while I’m having
sex, I’m an empty shell. Alone…I’m so
fucking alone.

November 22,2000
I lied to Yugi again.
He came home to surprise me and I told him I was sick, so sick that I
couldn’t get out of bed. He wanted to
come visit me, but I couldn’t let him in the house. Seto’s become so obsessed that I’m afraid for Yugi’s safety. I know Yugi was disappointed but I couldn’t
risk having him see me. I love him and
couldn’t live with myself if something happened to him because of me. Seto knew I turned him away and I swear I
saw triumph in his eyes. But when he
took me into his bed he was different than he has been. He was gentle and undemanding, for the first
time I really felt like I was being made love to. Maybe that’s his game…I give myself to Yugi and get punished with
roughness, I refuse Yugi and I get rewarded with kindness. Either way I won’t refuse him. I guess I wasn’t pretending to be sick, I am
sick, just not physically.

November 27, 2000
Seto’s getting out of control. He fucked me in his office, with his secretary outside the
door. I’ll admit it was a huge turn on,
but way too risky. What would happen if
we were found? I can’t even
imagine. He’s becoming more and more
possessive and it’s scaring me. Yugi
reminded me of winter break and I’m giving myself an ulcer about it. How the fuck am I going to handle having
Yugi home for a month. If Seto behaves
like he did before I won’t be able to fucking walk for the whole month.

December 1, 2000
I was lying with Seto after sex and he seemed pretty
relaxed compared to usual, so I figured I should bring up winter break. He just looked at me like I was nuts and
says ‘you’re just going to have to tell him it’s over, I won’t share you ever
again’. I was dumbfounded. I tell him I can’t do that, that I love
Yugi. He was so calm when he responded,
calm and cold ‘you get rid of him or I will’.
I just got up and left. I made
it to my room before I started to cry.
I won’t give Yugi up, he’s all I have that’s keeping me alive. I’m afraid of Seto, afraid he’ll do
something drastic. Is it selfish of me
to want to be happy? I’m trapped.

December 2, 2000
Seto actually apologized for last night. He must’ve been feeling emotional or
something because he came into my room while I was doing homework and actually
sat on my bed to talk. It was truly
weird. First he says he’s sorry for
threatening Yugi, and then in his next breath he tells me I can’t see Yugi
anymore. I looked at him though, really
looked at him, and the turmoil and anguish I saw in those blue eyes was more
than I could bear. He tells me he loves
me and asks me ‘isn’t that enough?’ I
couldn’t help myself, I just asked if our incestuous relationship was really
enough for him? How could he be satisfied
with lies and deception? He just shook
his head and gave me a tired smile ‘it’s always been just me and you, no one
else matters’. What can I say to that? I’m wary to push him too far, his moods
swings have been frightening and I think all the pressure is too much for
him. I won’t give up Yugi, he is my
salvation! There will come a time when
we are past all this and maybe then I can forgive myself.

December 5, 2000
I don’t think I can handle much more…Yugi got out of
school early today and headed home. I
wasn’t answering the phone so he decided to surprise me. Seto wasn’t home yet but I was so freaked
out that he could walk in at any minute, I just wanted to get us out of
there. I was truly happy to see him and
we were standing in the open doorway and he kissed me. He tasted so sweet and it felt so right
being in his arms. I pulled away and
looked over Yugi’s shoulder and saw the limo pulling up the drive. My stomach dropped to my feet I was so
scared. This is not how I should be
feeling when my boyfriend comes home! I
shouldn’t be afraid, I should be allowed to be happy! Seto came in before I could get Yugi out of there and it was
fucking horrible. Seto just glared at
him, not that it’s anything new, but the hatred I saw in his eyes was frightening. Seto looked like a man who could kill. Then he looks at me and reminds me of a
‘dinner engagement’ we have for the evening.
What the fuck, we have no fucking anything!!! Yugi of course is extremely disappointed and I felt like such an
asshole, but I was also afraid for his safety.
I told Yugi I couldn’t see him and was forced to send him on his
way. I promised him I’d call tomorrow,
and hope I can. When I came back into
the house from saying goodbye Seto takes me by the arm and drags me to his
room. I can’t believe how irrationally
furious he is. I just couldn’t keep
things to myself anymore, I mean I just lost it! I started yelling at him, accusing him of taking away my life and
my freedom and of ruining me for anyone else to love. His eyes were filled with hurt and that killed me. I’m being torn in two opposite directions
and it’s only a matter of time before I break.
I had to stop my rant and I hugged him.
That was all the invitation he needed before we were both naked and
writhing on the bed. I’m so ashamed of
myself for enjoying it so much when I should be hating it. Seto held me after and asked me to stay the
night in his room. After he fell asleep
I came out to write, but need to go back.
I need to figure out what to do, I’m getting desperate.

December 6, 2000
I snuck out to see Yugi, even though I’m sure Seto
knows. I had to tell him how sorry I
was and as always he was so understanding.
We just spent time being together and were content with that. I was so happy he didn’t want sex, I was so
tired of giving my body, even to those I love.
He just held me and loved me. I
need to make some decisions, I need to act before something bad happens.

December 7, 2000
I don’t think I’ll be able to walk normal for a
week. Seto will not let me out of his
sight and his appetite is insatiable.
It’s to the point where sex is almost like rape. I’m not saying no, but I’m no longer
participating. He just keeps taking me
over and over. He seems so desperate
and wild, I’ve never seen him this bad before.
I’m making myself sick with worry, something’s not right here. I’m afraid he’s driven himself crazy with
his obsession. I just want this to be
over, but he’ll never let me go.

December 10, 2000
I haven’t been to school all week and doubt I’ll ever
return. Seto has stopped going to the
office and is working exclusively from home.
I’m a prisoner here, a sex slave.
I need to call Yugi and tell him to stay away, but I’m afraid it would
just lead him to investigate. I can’t
have him anywhere near me, I know now that Seto will kill him. I should have ended it a long time ago
instead of hanging onto hope. Hope is
not a thing I can afford any more. My
fate is sealed and there’s only one thing I can do is keep Yugi safe.

December 14, 2000
I know what I have to do, there are no more options. Just know Yugi that I love you and never
meant for any of this to happen, all that matters now is your safety. Know that I love my brother and despite
everything that has never changed, I just can’t bring myself to hate him. I’m sorry.

Yugi was
numb. That was the last entry, the day
before Mokuba died. It was all
painfully clear to him now and the knowledge was almost more than he could
bear. How could he go on knowing what
Mokuba went through, what he gave up for him?
Yugi dropped the book on his bed and rubbed his eyes with the heals of
his hands. His emotions came rushing
in, overwhelming him.

Hatred.

Hatred was
flowing through him. It was unlike
anything he’d ever felt before. If Seto
wasn’t already dead, he knew that he had it in him to kill. He was also filled
with despair and sadness. Why didn’t
Mokuba just come to him? He would have
helped him, Yugi needed to believe he would have helped him.

Mokuba, sweet Mokuba.

Yugi removed the slip of paper from
where he tucked it in the front of the book and read it again:

If you’re reading this I’m no longer here and I’m
sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough
to stay with you. I’m sorry I wasn’t
strong enough to overcome. I’m sending you my journal so you’ll understand why
I had to leave, and maybe you can forgive me my sins. Know that I love you more than anything and will for all
eternity. Don’t mourn for me, but live
with my memory forever in your heart.
Live for me the life I wasn’t strong enough to live myself. I love you. ~Mokuba

His purity was gone, if he ever had
it in the first place and his soul was forever damaged. How could he ever escape such darkness? The door swung open and Yami stood in the doorway. Silently looking at the boy on the bed. His boy.

~fin~
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Darkness and Despair

Darkness and Despair