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Ambivalence	By : PupshitDesu Category: Yu-Gi-Oh > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 4882 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter List
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It had been a while since Jonouchi left the house, and even longer since he'd had some spare cash to throw around. His immediate solution to this was to walk a little way uptown to Burger World for something to eat. He was tired of boiled ramen with flavor packets, white bread with pork, and whatever frozen vegetables he could afford. He'd magically come up with extra money after paying bills, and since it wasn't enough to buy the sneakers he'd been eyeing for awhile, he chose food instead. He supposed there was always the option of saving and waiting until he had more extra, but he knew that when next month rolled around, there'd be some kind of "emergency" that he'd need that extra money for. Better to spend it on something nice while he had it. "Salve for the battle", as the saying went.
His reasons for staying inside were mostly practical, given his neighborhood. He went out to work, of course, but outside of that, he holed up in his apartment for the most part. He had yet to claw his way out of the piece-of-shit ghetto he'd been living in for years, and so long as he was living around the gangs with their turf wars and the few straggling Yakuza that hadn't been flushed out yet, he thought it best to stay inside.
Before, he didn't worry about it. The gangs had no interest in him since Hirutani and his goons had been…neutralized. And if Jonouchi encountered up to four of the punks at a time, he'd probably be able to scrap his way out of it. At least putting up a fight would keep them off his back for a while to come. Unfortunately for him, he'd become paranoid about the gangs. He felt as if he was a walking target, like there may as well be a glowing red bull's-eye on his back. Even as he walked to upper downtown, he kept checking over his shoulder to see if he was being watched or followed. He eyed suspiciously anyone who had a hand in their pocket for an extended period of time.
He was going to lose his mind at this rate…
When he reached Burger World and gratefully sat in a booth in the corner, he started glancing over the menu that the waitress had given him. Anzu hadn't worked in this joint for a while, but it looked as if it hadn't changed much. They'd re-done the internal decor to make the place seem classier, which wasn't bad, and the waitress uniforms seemed a little longer. That part he was less enthusiastic about, but whatever.
Shit, he almost felt bad for looking at girls now, and he hated it. Not so much for the girls, but for himself. It felt strange and awkward. Before, he and Honda would sit just about anywhere populated and point out women to each other as they walked by, snickering about titties and whatever else interested them about girls back in high school. Now it just made him ask a lot of questions about those times. Like whether or not he'd actually known what he was talking about. If he'd been doing that because he thought he should and it was the norm, or if he was actually attracted to those girls.
He had never even asked any of them out, like Honda had Miho and later Shizuka. Honestly, Jonouchi loved his sister, but he didn't know what Honda saw in her as a girlfriend. He always went after those shy, quiet girls who weren't even interested. A blunt and fiery guy like him was entertaining to them for novelty, but as a boyfriend…?
Whatever the case, Jonouchi's only real, consistent interest in women had been Kujaku Mai. He blushed even just thinking about her, really. Everything about her was preened and kept to the point that she looked like something off a magazine cover. Her makeup was always perfect, her cover-up slightly lighter than her skin to make her face seem paler and her lipstick red (but not too red). Her nails were always perfectly manicured, her hair was silky and long, cascading in glamorous curls.
And yet, for how much she made him squirm in his seat and preoccupied his thoughts, he'd never asked her out. He'd never even had dreams about her, like Honda sometimes said he did about girls. Hell, even Yugi had one or two that he'd rather abashedly admitted to Jonouchi back in the day. But he himself…never about girls. Watching porn could get him his kicks, but he was pretty sure it wasn't for the same reasons as Honda and Yugi. Not the same at all…
He sighed, trying to focus on getting his damn burger and fries. He didn't want to think about it in public. He felt like everyone could tell what was running through his mind. Like he exuded some kind of field that would alert everyone to his little revelation of a few weeks ago. He supposed he wouldn't feel that way if it weren't for the looks he'd been getting from other men. Then again…maybe he'd always been getting them, and hadn't noticed until now. That didn't make him feel any better.
Jonouchi gave up searching the menu and figured it was all the same anyway. When the waitress returned, he ordered a simple meal of a cheeseburger and fries with a milkshake, trying the whole time not to seem off. He still stammered a little, but the waitress didn't seem concerned at all. Jonouchi sank into his seat when she left. That sort of thing had never happened to him before. Usually he'd flirt with one of the girls who served him, even. Now, talking to them just made him feel exposed.
His eyes wandered around the restaurant as he tried to preoccupy his brain with observation rather than…everything that was on his mind. Part of him wished desperately for someone to talk to, but every other part of him knew that he'd keep his mouth shut if he was smart. The last thing he wanted was for any of his friends to know. Honda in particular. He couldn't just tell a guy he'd jerked off with that he was a homo. Not cool at all.
It was as Jonouchi's eyes roamed the room that he saw a customer enter. His blood froze in his veins the moment the bell on the door sounded. Of all the things to happen by chance, why did it have to be that? Shit, he'd rather have been jumped and beaten on than have to deal with this.
Why did it have to be him?
Kaiba had Mokuba with him, which was probably the only reason he was in Burger World to begin with. Even though the guy didn't project his food snobbery everywhere, it was obvious from the way he fed other people and his general tastes. Jonouchi had the urge to curse at Mokuba, and then he felt bad for it. It wasn't the kid's fault that this happened to him. He just wanted some dinner. But damn, if he didn't want an excuse to be angry at someone. Because he was sure as hell angry, and the last place he wanted to direct it was at himself.
For a fleeting moment, he hoped that the Kaiba brothers wouldn't notice him. That hope was immediately dashed when Mokuba turned to scan the place for a seat and laid eyes on him. Jonouchi could tell from the spark of recognition and mild excitement that he was definitely going to be approached, and he tried subduing his anger. No need to snap at the kid for remembering an old friend.
Mokuba waved, which caught his brother's attention. At first, his deep blue eyes were curious and searching, but the moment he saw Jonouchi, they went cold. His expression was one of pure contempt, and he proceeded to ignore him after that. It made Jonouchi's anger flare up again, his teeth gritting as his eyes widened, but he quelled it again. He knew why Kaiba hated seeing him. He'd probably never voice it, but he knew. In the past, before everything had finally calmed down, he hadn't let something so simple as Kaiba's contemptuous glances get him hot and bothered.
But back then he didn't feel so rejected by them, either.
Mokuba was dragging Kaiba across the restaurant to his booth. Much as he liked the kid, he was praying to every god he remembered that they didn't sit with him. He wouldn't be able to eat a damn thing with Kaiba sitting there being Kaiba. He didn't stand as they approached, manners-less as he was, but only Kaiba seemed put off by it. Fuck him, it wasn't as if he'd have done any differently. Even though Mokuba was the one greeting him excitedly, it was Kaiba who kept his attention.
Had he always been that tall? And had such smooth skin? And straight-but-not-too-straight dark brunet hair, and such incredible deep blue eyes…it was very distracting. And it took conscious effort not to stare and over-observe, but he couldn't help it at this point. It was like seeing Kaiba with completely different eyes. He'd always noticed. Of course he had. But now it was different. Now he knew why he'd noticed so much.
"Hey, Mokuba," he greeted, flashing his easy smile and tearing his eyes away from Kaiba, "How ya been, kid?"
Though the "kid" had a growth spurt, it seemed. And a haircut. His body was starting to get shaped like his brother's, Jonouchi could see it. He had the same eyes, the almond shape without double eyelids. And his shoulders were already wide, especially in proportion to his hips. Though he didn't have Kaiba's model-long legs and incredible body sculpture…
Shit, this was going to suck.
"Good, although I didn't think you liked cheesy fake American food, but I guess that's because I never really watched you eat," he teased, glancing at his brother for a second before continuing, "Although Nii-sama says you eat crap like that all the time."
"Can't argue with that," Jonouchi agreed, grinning, but his tone was slightly haughty. He could hear the edge in his voice, and he knew Kaiba noticed. Kaiba noticed everything. He was like the guy from that American film who could use one hundred percent of his brain consciously, all the time. "I figured I'd get out of the house and have myself some cheesy Japanese-American burger and fries."
"I think I'm going to do the same," Mokuba replied, grinning wickedly before sitting down uninvited, "I love going to the states and eating all the fast food. I don't care if I end up gaining a few pounds from going overseas, real hamburgers with chocolate sundaes and fries are the best thing ever… Especially when you eat the ice cream with your fries."
"Mokuba," interrupted Kaiba dryly, not sitting to join them, "Do you know how disgusting that is?"
"Well, you are the authority on being disgusting, so I guess you'd know," Jonouchi snapped, before promptly shutting his mouth. While he hadn't really meant that as more than something to get under Kaiba's skin, he knew it wasn't going to go over well. Maybe he wasn't cool-facing it as well as he thought. Still, Kaiba's snobbish behavior really got to him, especially since he made things so…personal.
"I don't believe I was talking to you," snapped Kaiba back, now folding his hands before glancing back down at his brother, "I'm not eating here with the village idiot, let's go."
Mokuba just blinked before looking back at Jonouchi, sensing some sort of strange tension, but he was too excited to see his old friend again to leave. "Nii-sama, you can go get dinner where you'd like and I'll call you when I'm done," he suggested, "So then you won't have to watch me dip fries into my shake."
Kaiba made a slight look of disgust, but didn't argue against it. Nodding his head in agreement, he briefly glanced at Jonouchi again, his jaw tensing a little, before turning heel and walking away out the door.
"He's just angry because he hates American food," muttered Mokuba, "He didn't want to come here to begin with. I begged."
"Man, you don't have to make excuses for him," Jonouchi huffed, "He'd be surly no matter what, and we both know it. Still, sorry for being so snippy with him. I've been having a hard couple of weeks."
Jonouchi smiled apologetically. That was an understatement. It had been more like a couple of months, really. A slow, snowballing nightmare that had come to a head and left him completely confused and insecure. And afraid, if he was honest. This wasn't something he'd intended to deal with in his life.
"Well it doesn't do any good apologizing to me," Mokuba said, and then the waitress reappeared to take his order. He did the same as Jonouchi, only instead of a cheeseburger, he asked for bacon and onion rings on it instead. Probably because Kaiba wasn't around to guilt trip him for eating gluttonous food, and free from the harsh remarks over weight gain, Mokuba ate whatever he wanted.
"Nii-sama's having a hard time too you know, he's still sore about Yugi and the whole deal in Egypt. He gave up dueling a few months ago, I think for good. It's strange, his entire deck is locked away and he doesn't even talk about what happened last year…"
"Didn't he do that before, though?" Jonouchi asked, though he was slightly surprised. "After Battle City? He said he was retiring to focus on his work and then ended up playing again…"
Although he hadn't had much choice. First it had been the Doom swordsmen, and then Sigfried Schroeder had needed to be put in his place. It seemed that this time, rather than just taking a temporary break to focus on Mokuba and Kaiba Corporation, Kaiba had quit out of…maybe a lack of motivation. His greatest rival was gone.
"Yeah well, he lied that time." Mokuba was laughing, taking a fry and dipping it into his chocolate shake before stuffing it into his mouth, "He told me he didn't see the point in dueling anymore, since he'd faced everyone who was worth his time. So he quit."
Mokuba didn't really understand the whole situation, but it was never his concern really. Dueling was great and all, but the game was never his, and after his brother quit, it just meant that he got more time for actually hanging out again. Being brothers without all the extra crap getting in the way. He'd never admit it to Kaiba, but he was actually glad the whole "professional dueling" career was over.
It wasn't any fun competing against Mutou Yugi for attention.
"Now he just focuses a lot on work."
"That doesn't sound like any kind of life," Jonouchi noted, pausing when the food arrived, "He should find something else to do and quit sulking."
Like he was one to talk. Almost all he did now was sulk. His friends were mostly out of town or too busy to spend time with him, and along with his identity problems, loneliness was near the top of his list of things that were bringing him down. It wouldn't be as big a deal if he had the money to afford maybe some video games or comic books. Something to take his mind off things during the day. But no, it was just him in his apartment with the old N64 he'd been given as a child, and a crappy television with no cable. He didn't even have internet access in the place. It was too expensive, and he could barely afford rent, utilities, and groceries alone.
"He's busy with work and stressing himself out, not sulking," Mokuba said, giving Jonouchi a rather sour expression before stuffing the burger into his mouth and proceeding to talk while eating, "I mean, he's got a lot on his plate. Trying to expand into New York and that whole entire market there. There's a lot of cultural bullshit he's trying to work out, and he's doing it mainly alone… as usual."
"Aren't you his vice?" Jonouchi asked while he munched a fry he'd dipped in his strawberry milkshake. "I thought you two worked together a lot."
Well, not a lot, but often. He remembered that they both knew the company inside out, and they'd worked together to save the Dueling Network from a virus. Mokuba wasn't a chump, that was for sure.
"I guess he probably is really busy, running an international company and all."
It was hard to feel bad for Kaiba. The guy had everything that anyone would ever want, and Jonouchi wasn't going to sympathize because he had to work to maintain it. Kaiba was rich, powerful, famous, and pretty fucking good-looking to boot. Not to mention, his personality in general was so foul that the recollection stopped Jonouchi in his tracks whenever he started feeling just a little bad.
"Well he says I can't run off alone and manage the international companies yet because of my age," Mokuba explained, "The Americans won't take me seriously and he doesn't want something like when Pegasus tried taking over to happen again. He promised that when I got a little older, he'd actually let me act as vice, but right now he's just not trusting me enough with the responsibility… I don't know, it's hard to convince him to trust anyone, and I guess he thinks I'll let people walk all over me if I actually went and did my job alone.
I'm sure though when I'm eighteen, he'll let me actually handle more work! He said I could go to any university I want, but I think I'll just stay with Kaiba Corporation. It is our company after all, and I'm going to start my own international branch when I'm old enough."
"It's not like you need college anyway when your family owns a giant company," Jonouchi muttered. He had yet to figure out what he was going to do about his education. He'd barely managed high school, financially and grade-wise. University was supposed to be easier, but the expense…
"You guys are probably safe. I mean, all the times your company got taken, it was either by an underground superpower, or because both of you were out of commission, right? But I don't blame Kaiba for keeping you nearby. You're smart, but you're still a kid. And his kid brother, to boot. He's always been concerned about protecting you."
As evidenced by how Kaiba acted when he failed to do so. Or, he considered himself to have failed. Honestly, the only real evidence that Kaiba was a human and not a robot or some kind of alien in disguise was his hick Osakan accent and his love for his little brother. If it weren't for that, he'd just be a hardass with impossibly perfect looks and an insufferable personality. Yeah, maybe he had the sexy voice. And body. And eyes. And everything. Fuck him anyway.
"Jonouchi, are you all right?"
Mokuba was looking at him strangely, and before the blond male could respond, the subject of his lust reappeared, taking a seat over next to his brother before sulking. He looked tired, from the dark spots around his eyes, but it didn't do anything to diminish his overall attractiveness. Just made him appear less perfect and put together like Mai always did, and more… vulnerable. But it didn't last when he saw Mokuba dip a fry into his shake, crossing his arms again and sighing.
"Will you finish up eating soon? It's late enough, Mokuba, and I have work I still need to get done before I can go to bed."
"Yeah yeah, Nii-sama, I'm almost done."
Jonouchi didn't comment, his jaw clenching. Everything about Kaiba pissed him off. The moment his prissy mouth opened, all hell broke loose in Jonouchi's mind. The disgusted look he turned on the food, the way he sat like he thought the booth would give him crabs, the way he didn't even acknowledge Jonouchi when he arrived…he was too damn much to deal with.
"Hello to you too, Kaiba," Jonouchi spoke, glaring pointedly. He'd said Kaiba's name a bit more loudly than he should have, and part of him hoped that he'd be recognized. Just so it would make his evening a little harder on him. "I was hoping not to see you again today. Looks like my luck ran out."
"Close your damn eyes, and you wouldn't have such a problem."
He gave Mokuba one last dirty look before the kid stuffed the rest of his food down his throat and sucked down the rest of his drink. His eyes narrowed, and Jonouchi was sure the kid would choke from eating like that, but Mokuba managed like a champ and pushed Kaiba's shoulder away, trying to get out of the booth before any more shit could be thrown across the table.
"It was nice seeing you again, Jonouchi!" He said, snorting when his brother dumped money onto the table to pay the bill, "You should stop by Kaiba Corporation sometime so we can hang out. You will, won't you?"
"Sure thing," Jonouchi smiled, "We don't hang out enough."
It would be nice to have someone to spend time with, even if Mokuba was younger. He was sharp, and had a good sense of humor. And didn't give him odd cravings.
"I'll drop by to visit one of these days, I promise."
"Awesome!"
Mokuba waved, as his brother stalked off out the door already, and in an instant, both Kaiba brothers were gone, leaving Jonouchi behind to his thoughts. He didn't know really if he wanted to see Mokuba again, considering the possibility that he might see Kaiba there as well, but then again, he made a promise. A dumb quick promise, and he wasn't the sort to not follow through with one after giving it.
No, that would be a shit thing to do, and watching as Mokuba walked out the door, he made up his mind to see the kid again once he had the money for the train ride into the city. It wasn't too expensive to get a ticket. Unfortunately, dinner was probably going to leave him a little drained.
…Or not. After counting the money Kaiba had dropped, he saw that it was enough to cover both meals and a decent tip. That guy was impossible to figure out. He'd spit in Jonouchi's face and then treat him like royalty. So long as he didn't ask for it, of course. He could be vindictive as hell if he was asked for anything. Or worse, if he offered something, and was refused. Jonouchi remembered very clearly several instances of each situation.
He finished eating alone, standing and leaving once he was finished. It was getting dark, and he wanted to be home before the sun set. The only good thing about being so paranoid now was that the whole way home, he didn't think about Kaiba at all. He knew he'd probably end up obsessing further on, when he was alone in his bedroom in the dark and felt unwatched enough to think about that. Because despite how much Kaiba pissed him off, he was still pretty damn handsome. Even that pissed him off, really, but it made his gut stir at the same time. It wasn't a good combination.
To his great relief, he made it home without incident. He locked the door behind him, turning the bolt and hooking the chain before shuffling to his bedroom. He was still sleeping on a crappy futon at this point. He wished he could afford a bed, but that wasn't happening for a long time and he knew it.
He lay down, sighing and staring at the ceiling. He felt surprisingly tired, but he wasn't complaining about it. He'd need his energy for work the next day, and he didn't want to be awake all night dealing with straying and probing thoughts. Or worse, fantasies. He simply couldn't deal with any more of that. Not tonight, anyway. If it really had to, his brain could torment him further in the morning.
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Ambivalence