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Not This Time	By : NihilEtNemo Category: Yu-Gi-Oh > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 5238 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own YuGiOh!, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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Chapter
Eleven � The Past
Seto�s POV

I lie in my
bed, awake, almost scared to go back to sleep. I don�t want to dream again�. But
more than that, I don�t want to risk hurting Yami. Like I almost did. I�m sure
I hit him � that must be what woke him up. I don�t want to risk it again.

His arms feel
so warm and safe around me, and I love the feeling of them there, like this is
exactly how we belong� but I know as soon as I sleep I�ll forget that, and
Yami�s arm�s will become Gozaburo�s, and they won�t be safe and comforting but
hard and hurtful. I don�t want that to happen� it�s better just to lie here and
feel safe than to go to sleep and maybe hurt the one person that makes me feel
that way�

It�s morning
before I know it. Yami stirs� I don�t want him to wake up. Because once he
does, he�ll ask� and I don�t want to tell him. I don�t know if I can tell him�
But I as much as said I would, and I have to keep my word. When it becomes
obvious that he really is waking up, I do the only thing I can do � I close my
eyes and pretend to be asleep.

He stops
moving, and I know he�s awake � he�s looking at me. I can feel it. Does he know
I�m not asleep? Probably. Will he call me on it? Probably not. He understands
me. He won�t blow my cover� I�m not ready to talk to him yet. Maybe, if I play
my cards right, I can avoid seeing him all day. Put this off until tomorrow.
That�s not really what I want, though. I don�t want to have to avoid him. I
don�t even want to not have to talk about it. I just want it not to be there.

He begins to
run his fingers through my hair, and I sigh. He�s not going anywhere. He�s
going to stay put right there until I give up and tell him. I could fight it,
but then we�d never get out of bed, because he�d never give up. So I open my
eyes to look at him.

�Do you want
to tell me now?� he asks, as though I really have a choice.

�No.� I rest
my head on his shoulder.

�I think I
already know,� he says. �Was it your stepfather � Gozaburo?�

I hesitate
briefly, then nod. �Yes.�

�I thought so.
Did he beat you?�

�Yes�� I don�t
know how he knows all this� but at least, I don�t have to tell him.

�He tortured
you?�

�I� suppose you
could say that��

He falls
silent for a moment, and I think he�s done. Maybe, he�ll think that�s all� I
won�t have to tell him everything�

�Did he rape
you, Seto?�

How�? How does
he do that? How does he already know everything about me�? I�ve never told
anyone � I�ve never told Mokuba, even. No one knows that� no one but me,
and him�

�Seto? Are you
all right?�

I realize that
I�ve frozen since he asked me, and breathe again. Then nod very slightly. �Yes,
he did� How did you know?�

�I know you,
Seto,� he replies simply. �It�s the same every time� an evil, or cruel, or
sadistic, or simply insane father figure� But it�s worse this time. I thought
the father figure had to have been worse. I�m sorry, Seto.�

I suddenly
feel claustrophobic, and sit up, trying to breathe. He tries to put his arms
around me, but I push him gently away. It�s all right � it�s just a panic
attack. I get them sometimes. I can deal with it� Remember, Gozaburo�s not
here� he�s gone, vanished� took off� Those insults are just you remembering�
the hands are just your imagination� stupid, fucking, overactive imagination�

�Seto, talk to
me��

Stupid whore�

Yami. That�s
good, focus on Yami. Not Gozaburo. Yami�s voice, not Gozaburo�s. �Don�t � just,
give me a moment�� I take a deep breath and shut my eyes. Gozaburo�s not here.
Yami is. Yami. Yami. Not Gozaburo.

There. The
phantom hands fade away, and I open my eyes, taking a deep breath. Yami is
staring at me, concerned. He looks like he wants to touch me, but doesn�t quite
dare�

�What was
that, Seto?�

�Nothing.� I
unclench my hands and force them not to shake.

�You�re
trembling.� He pulls me closer and grabs my hands firmly. It helps. �That was a
flashback, wasn�t it?�

I shake my
head. �Just a panic attack� not that serious.� He pulls my head down to rest on
his shoulder. �I can deal with them��

�Just like
you�ve been dealing with them for years, right?�

I nod. Why
deny it? He already knows everything. Or almost everything. I can�t hide
anything from him � why even try? He knows, or he will know. It�s actually kind
of a� relief. Not to have to hide anything. I hide things even from Mokuba� but
Yami already knows all about me, and he still wants me�

�I�m sorry,
Seto.� He strokes my hair away from my forehead, like I�m a child who needs
soothed, comforted. Maybe I am. It feels good.

�For what?� He
hasn�t done anything to me�

�For what he
did. No one should ever touch you like that� you deserve so much better. You
deserve to be worshipped.�

I only shake
my head. Yami�s delusional� I�ve never tried to tell myself that I actually
deserved what Gozaburo did to me, but worshipped is probably going a bit far� I
think I�d settle, for the moment, for being treated like a human being. And
Yami seems willing to do that much, at least� What more could I ask for? I turn
around and lean against him. Someone who knows more about me than I know about
myself � and he isn�t disgusted, or using it against me� in fact, he wants me.
What more could I ask for?
- 10
- 11
- 12
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Not This Time

Stupid whore�