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In The Name Of Love	By : Rroselavy Category: Yu-Gi-Oh > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 15411 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own YuGiOh!, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 13
- 14
- 15
Title: In The Name Of Love (14/?)
Author: Rroselavy
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Jou/Ryou (briefly), Malik/Ryou, Kaiba/Jou, Mokuba/Shizuka, Yami/Yugi, Honda/Otogi
Beta: Akuchan
Spoilers: None, AU
Disclaimer: I do not own or profit in any way from Yu-gi-oh!
Summary: For eight years he has scrupulously avoided the brunet, but now with the impending marriage of their siblings, Jounouchi Katsuya and Kaiba Seto are forced to come to terms with the feelings they've secreted away since adolescence.
A/N: Thanks Maggiemay (*is humbled before your greatness*), Sammei, tash 922, Wicabeth, anon, LilyChan, nextvictim, GS*, kitkattcassy, and aly.. I hope this chapter clears up a lot of questions about Kaiba's actions. Thank you all for reading and commenting!
CHAPTER 14
It had been a spiteful thing to do, Kaiba acknowledged. He'd been mean and petty towards Jou without any just cause. He sighed deeply as he stared out his office windows at the darkening sky over Domino City. He knew his behavior had been typical in that regard; he'd always found a way to sabotage his relationship with anyone who managed to get close to him, anyone who made him feel like caring. The sole exception to this rule had always been Mokuba. He'd made the promise to himself that Jou was different; that he wouldn't act irrationally or hurtfully, and yet, he'd deliberately withheld the information from the blond that he was going away on an extended business trip.
He'd expected the phone call he'd received from Jounouchi the next morning that rousted him from a fitful sleep in a strange hotel room. He'd guiltily steeled himself for the ranting and raving he'd fully expected and deserved, more than ready to defend his behavior from Jou's accusations and counter them with insults and barbs. But he'd been completely unprepared for the sadness in Jounouchi's voice. There was no confusion or recriminations on the blond's part, just an acceptance of the brunet's conduct that pierced him to his very soul. It was impossible to pick a fight when the other refused to participate. Instead, Jou had laid bare his own heart, letting Kaiba know in no uncertain terms how he'd been affected by the CEO's actions. There had been no allegations or rebukes; the blond had just simply said, "It really hurt me that you didn't tell me you were going out of town."
For once he could think of no comeback to chide Jounouchi with. The words the blond had chosen had been perfectly neutral, and left little to be said other than 'I'm sorry.'
And so over the telephone, finding safety in the fact that he was in another country, he'd confessed that he didn't know why he'd been driven to act in such an injurious fashion. To which Jou had replied without rancor, "I hope that you consider working on that."
What had been the worst part of the whole debacle, he thought miserably, was that he'd completely forgotten about Jounouchi's graduation, and Jou now knew it too. Kaiba had been unable to explain away how he happened to plan a business trip that would coincide with the commemoration. He'd ended up cutting the business trip short-it had been unnecessary to begin with, more an excuse to escape from all the events and emotions in his personal life that made him feel hemmed in-and did get back in time for the ceremony. It had proven a fruitless concession; Jou had given his ticket to Honda. And to top it all off, in the week since he'd returned the blond had been inexplicably busy.
He knew he deserved the cold shoulder treatment he was getting. He'd more than asked for it, and no amount of rationalization on his part could change the fact that even he knew his behavior was indefensible. What he'd learned in the week that he'd been bereft of Jounouchi's physical company and their daily phone conversations was that he needed the blond, and not just in the carnal sense of the word. He realized he'd come to depend on the blond as a confidant and social barometer; he could always monitor his behavior with a quick glance in Jounouchi's direction. It wasn't that he was concerned with hurting the feelings of some business associate or his spouse--he could care less how the world viewed him. As long as Kaiba Corp. maintained its cutting edge releases, he remained unperturbed by his public reputation for being fierce and ruthless, but privately he found it important that Jou see him in a more favorable light.
He agonized over the thought that he'd snuffed out the fragile relationship that they'd forged, and vowed that he'd do all that was in his power to convince Jou that he was truly repentant for the way he treated him. He knew he'd secured another chance to make amends when Jounouchi had relented and agreed to let him help with the preparations for the second engagement party; the one that Jounouchi was hosting for the couple's friends. He was to meet Jou in the morning to go food shopping, and then they would spend the day together decorating Jou's space and preparing the menu for the feast.
He knew he should be happy for the opportunity to set things right, but instead for the first time in months, he felt the stirrings of a panic attack. He concentrated on the breathing exercises that he'd been taught by his therapist to use whenever he felt an attack coming on, relieved that he had an appointment with Dr. Watanabe in the evening. He hoped that he would be able to work through some of the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm him, so he could approach tomorrow clear-headed and ready to accept whatever terms Jou was willing to set with him. Not that he would be happy to continue on as friends. It was becoming increasingly obvious and frustrating to him that he did indeed want to become intimately involved with the blond, no matter what the final outcome of their union may be.
It was almost time for his appointment. He logged off his laptop for the day and collected his things, slipping a small box into his briefcase; his graduation present for Jounouchi, a far less extravagant gift than the wristwatch he'd given the blond a couple of months prior. His lips tingled as he recalled the passionate kiss Jou had planted on his lips as thanks. That kiss had offered so much promise, and yet he'd been timid to move forward, not only because he did not want to be Jounouchi's rebound affair, but also because he dreaded the inevitable letdown he always felt when the chase was over, when he'd attained his goal. He'd come to realize that same sentiment also drove his appetite for expanding Kaiba Corp.-each acquisition, be it a company or talented employee, served only to make him hungry for the next conquest.
His inability to find satisfaction from living in the present was one of the things he'd talked about at length with Dr. Watanabe and he'd gained a better perspective of the mechanisms that drove the behavior; his surprisingly low self-esteem being the prime culprit. He'd been able to accept that some of that came out of the impossible demand his mother had made on him from her deathbed. Perhaps any other child would have shrugged off her plea that he 'take care of his brother,' but serious, solemn, five year-old Seto had taken those words to heart and then turned them into his life's mission. Whenever he'd failed, be it due to his own shortcomings or circumstances beyond his control, he'd berated himself, believing that his mother had misplaced her trust in him. Then there was the fact that he'd brought the abusive Gozaburo Kaiba into their lives. It was yet one more thing Seto could never forgive himself for.
He closed up his office and took the elevator down to his waiting limousine. He could feel the tension building in his body, and though he resented it, he was looking forward to his session; he would be able to relieve it in the safety of Dr. Watanabe's comfortable office. He still hated that he depended on someone else to help him, though he'd been able to keep his distaste for the situation in check since he'd begun to view it as a professional relationship. Dr. Watanabe was paid for her services, the same as he paid his lawyers and accountants.
At first he'd found it impossible to open up to her. He'd never told anyone his feelings before, and he was doubly suspect of the middle-aged woman who was also a mentor to Jou. They'd spent hours in silence or minimal conversation. He thought she would lose patience and tell him what he'd already determined-there was nothing she could do to help him. But she'd proved tenacious and almost inhumanly patient, and it was he who became annoyed as the silence continued. He'd become angry with himself for wasting his precious time. The panic attacks were still happening; in fact, they'd been intensifying, and Jounouchi's words had haunted him. He didn't have to suffer, but in order to keep them from recurring he needed to ask for help.
Once he'd taken that final step, he'd found the catharsis of bearing his soul to be exhilarating and addictive. He told her everything about his childhood, at first as if he were relating to her someone else's story, but lately as they explored the choices he'd made and the repercussions that still rippled through his life from them, he'd been feeling more and more raw and exposed. He'd begun to relive his past, and the anger and self-loathing that had plagued him then, ate away at his present life. He wanted to put an end to it. He wanted to be happy the same way his brother was, but he honestly didn't know the first thing how to go about it.
He wished someone would just tell him what to do, how to behave. Dr. Watanabe never would, he snorted, as he sat in his therapist's waiting room. If he asked her what he should do, he knew from experience that she would reply with her own question, 'what do you think you should do?' She'd told him from the start that real progress would be difficult; he'd not been fully prepared for the intensity of the emotions he would begin to experience.
He heard the inner office door open and looked up from the magazine he'd been paging through impatiently. Dr. Watanabe greeted him warmly, concern showing in her eyes at his gruff acknowledgement. He slipped past her and into the neutral-toned office.
"How was your business trip?" She asked as he sat down on a straight-backed chair. She had long ago ceased asking him if he wouldn't be more comfortable on the plush couch most of her patients used.
"Fine." He responded, rolling his eyes impatiently.
"Really? Tell me about it." She said as she settled into the wing-backed chair opposite him.
"Not much to say." He stared at the middle-aged woman intently, taking in her conservative charcoal pinstripe suit, and noted the way she pulled back her jet hair and tied it neatly at her nape. Her black-framed fashionable half-glasses accentuated her black eyes and framed her face nicely.
"Is there something you want to talk about instead?"
"Yes ... my brother's upcoming nuptials."
"Mokuba? He's marrying Kawaii Shizuka, ne?"
"Yes," he said tightlipped.
"And are you're unhappy about that?"
"Yes. Not that it matters to ~him~. In fact, no one seems to have a problem with them getting married!" He snarled.
"No one else does, but you do?" Dr. Watanabe reflected.
He looked at her, his eyes blazing. "Of course I do."
"You seem to think it's fairly obvious as to why they shouldn't get married." She mused.
"Well for one thing, they're far too young!"
"Do you really believe that? You've told me time and time again how mature your brother is. That Mokuba can take care of himself. You've boasted at what an astute businessman he is. Is it because you think that Shizuka is not well-suited for him?
Kaiba sighed in resignation. "No, I don't think that. I think ultimately she's good for him." He gritted his teeth, and felt the tension in the muscles of his jaw. "It's just" ... he trailed off and looked away.
"It's just what, Seto?" Dr. Watanabe prodded gently. "Tell me." She watched his body language shift-he was becoming defensive. His arms crossed protectively over his chest, he drew his legs together and sat hunched over. It was a far cry from his usual ramrod posture. "Seto, try to open up a little. We've made a tremendous amount of progress, haven't we?" The therapist reasoned. "You aren't suffering from panic attacks anymore, are you?" Reluctantly, he nodded his head. Indeed, they'd ceased shortly after he'd begun to relate the events of his childhood to her. "And you know that whatever you say here is between you and I, it goes no further."
He stared hard at her. "It's just not fair," he spat finally. "And I hate myself for thinking that way." His eyes were shining, and she could see he was close to crying, closer to it than he'd ever been in her presence.
"What isn't fair?" She asked softly.
He took a deep breath and wrapped his arms tighter across his chest. He exhaled and drew in a sharp breath. After a minute or two of silence, he appeared recomposed, and his posture loosened a bit.
"You know what it is?" he seethed. "I've spent my fucking life looking after Mokuba, making sure he was safe, building an empire so that he could live comfortably, and ensuring him every opportunity to live like a normal human being." He sighed and locked his gaze on an intricate flower arrangement on the low table that sat between them. "It's not fair that he's found someone, that he's getting married, and ... and ... I am alone." He confessed bitterly.
Dr. Watanabe allowed for a few moments of silence before speaking. "But Mokuba never asked you to do these things for him." She replied evenly.
"Do you think I had a choice?" Kaiba said furiously. He slammed his hands on the armrests of the chair. "Look at me," he raged, "I've frittered away my life, for what? Do you think he really cares about all the sacrifices I've made?"
Dr. Watanabe folded her hands together and stared at Kaiba's shaking form. She noted the hostility in his voice and knew from experience that he would use this outburst as fuel to fan his own self-loathing.
"Do you want to know what I think, Seto?" He glared at her angrily before nodding his head, indicating she should continue. "I think you were a little boy put into an impossible situation by a woman who had no idea that you would be orphaned." He shook his head vigorously in denial.
"Please hear me out." She persisted. "Your mother had no idea the amount of grief her dying words would cause you. Tell me something, did she love you?" He nodded his head silently and brusquely wiped away the tears that had formed in his eyes.
"I believe you when you tell me that. I believe your mother loved you dearly. I believe that she would be tremendously sad to see how much her words impacted your life. I don't think she ever meant for them to bring you such heartache." Kaiba bowed his head. He was overwhelmed by his emotions and he felt the hot tears he'd tried to stave off stream down his face.
"You're right, Seto. Life hasn't been fair to you. You sheltered your brother through your stepfather's abuse. You gave up your adolescence to be a parent. But Mokuba never asked you to make those sacrifices. Is he even aware of them?" Kaiba shook his head. "So the question becomes, Seto, what are you going to do about it now?"
"I don't know! I don't know what I ~can~ do. I just try to get through each day without instigating fights with the people around me, especially with Mokuba. I think there is the possibility that I will drive him away. I wish I could go back in time and change things. I look back at how I was, so cold and cruel. I see who I am now--I'm not that different. How can anyone love me? I'm bitter and hateful." His face twisted into a grimace as he tried to stifle a sob.
"And the biggest joke of all is that I think I am falling in love with someone. No, I ~am~ in love with someone--with Jounouchi Katsuya. But I can't believe he would ever love me back. Him, of all people, who I've treated the worst of all."
Dr. Watanabe digested this new information carefully. Since that first day that she had mentioned she was meeting with Kaiba Seto, she had never spoken to Katsuya about her therapy sessions with him, and he never asked her about them, nor had Jou ever divulged that there was any kind of chemistry between he and the CEO.
"Does he know how you feel?"
Kaiba took a ragged breath. "He knows I'm interested in him. But I've been taking it slow. We're just friends."
"So it seems that he's forgiven you these awful things you believe you've done to him. But being interested in someone and being in love with someone are two very different things. Have you told him how you feel, Seto?"
Kaiba pinched the bridge of his nose between his index finger and thumb and shook his head tiredly. "No, I can't bring myself to burden him with that." He smiled weakly at his dark humor. "Right now I'd be happy ~if~ we were still friends. I think I blew it this time."
"How so?"
"I was needlessly cruel toward him. When I planned this business trip I deliberately neglected to tell him, and in my haste to get the hell away from everything, I planned it at the same time as his graduation. I cut it short, but he'd already given the ticket to his friend Honda. Before I acted so stupidly, we'd talk several times a day, and we would see each other a few times a week. I haven't seen him since I got back last week. And all through this I'm supposed to be happy for my brother and his bride-to-be."
"And you're not."
"Ya think?" He shot back, and then cringed as he realized he'd blurted out one of Jounouchi's colloquialisms. He sighed in abject misery. "That was uncalled for," he remarked absently.
"That's okay, I can tell you're upset."
"Upset doesn't begin to describe it. I feel like I'm losing everything. I'm not in control."
"In control of yourself?"
"In control of anybody!"
"Do you really believe you have any control over other people?" Kaiba looked at her intently. He opened his mouth to speak, and then shut it quickly. Dr. Watanabe continued. "You may control how your employees behave, after all you pay them their livelihood. But you cannot control what other people think, and you cannot control what you feel, only how you act on those feelings."
"So what am I supposed to do?" he asked in a strangled voice. "How can I make things right? Why can't you tell me?"
"Because you would resent that in a heartbeat. Besides, what good would it do you? You have all the answers, buried deep inside you. It's my job to help you uncover them."
"Then what am I paying you for?" he asked sarcastically.
"You're paying me to help you," Dr. Watanabe replied measuredly. "Look I know that 99% of the time, if you throw enough money at a problem, you think that you can make it go away. But which is that solving, the symptom, or the cause? I believe it will relieve symptoms, but you will never get to the root of why. I want you to think about 'why,' because when you start answering the 'whys' in your life, you can start to see your behavior for what it is, and then change what you are unhappy with."
Dr. Watanabe looked at her wristwatch. "Unfortunately our time is up for today, but I think we made good progress. We can pick this up again next week."
"Thanks Dr. Watanabe," Kaiba responded in a subdued voice. He felt physically drained.
"There's no reason to thank me, Seto. You are the one doing the hard work. I know this is especially difficult for you and I am pleased to know that you trust me enough to open up. Take care of yourself, and I'll see you next week."
Kaiba sank into the back seat of his limousine and rubbed his temples with his fingertips. He felt a massive tension headache coming on. Of course what his therapist had said made sense. All the money in the world couldn't compare to someone loving him for who he was. And he knew one thing, Jounouchi chose to be with him because he genuinely liked to, not because of the fringe benefits. It had always been that way between he and the blond--Jou had never been impressed with his wealth. There was that. One tenuous thread, but a strong one nevertheless. He wondered if it was enough to build a relationship on.
- 13
- 14
- 15
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In The Name Of Love