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Not This Time	By : NihilEtNemo Category: Yu-Gi-Oh > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 5238 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own YuGiOh!, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 14
- 15
- 16
Chapter Fifteen � Acceptance

Seto�s POV

The sunlight is what awakens me. Somehow,
I�ve managed to sleep until the sun came up� I never do that. It actually feels
good.

I turn over to snuggle � I can admit it �
closer to Yami� but he isn�t there. I open one eye and look, and it turns out
I�m right. He�s gone already� damn. That means I have no excuse for not getting
up.

I slide out of bed and into the shower,
grabbing my school clothes on the way. In the morning � now � the events of
last night all seem like a bad dream� maybe they were. No, I guess they can�t
be. Especially since I remember waking up from a dream last night� I sigh
beneath the hot water. It really did happen. I don�t� want to believe
him. I don�t want there to have been anything before this lifetime� especially
this stuff I�m remembering. That would mean that he�s killed me probably
hundreds of times. And that I�ve killed myself for him several times. This life
is already hard enough� I don�t want to have to worry about that.

It also means we really did have that
conversation last night. Maybe I�m an asshole� but he didn�t take me up on it.
I�m not sure why. Sex is sex. I know that that�s what he wants, so why didn�t
he take it when I told him he could?

I wander downstairs with my hair still wet,
idly wondering where Yami is. I didn�t drive him off with my attitude, did I? I
didn�t mean to�

No � I find him in the kitchen. He�s�
cooking. Why is that? Who cares � it looks great. Smells good too. If he�s
going to cook every meal, maybe I�ll eat them all�

�Yami?� He looks up at me and smiles, and my
worry evaporates. He isn�t angry with me or anything. I hadn�t realized I was
so concerned about it�

He sets the spatula down and wraps his arms
around me. �Are you feeling better?� he asks, and I nod, taking a seat on a
stool at the island. He strokes some hair out of my face and smiles. �Good.
Breakfast, if you want it��

I nod. �It smells good,� I tell him quietly.
He smiles again and puts a couple pancakes on a plate from the platter where they�re
cooling and adds a couple strips of bacon before setting it in front of me. He
kisses my forehead quickly � that was strange � before going back to the stove
and tending to his newest one.

I eat them quietly, but watch him. He seems
completely indifferent, as though last night never happened� I honestly don�t
mind. I don�t know why he�s doing it, though�

�Good?� he asks, looking over his shoulder. I
look down at my plate briefly in surprise and see the pancakes mostly gone, and
nod, swallowing. �Yes� where did you learn to cook?�

�Yugi taught me� I was tired of feeling
useless.�

I just nod. �I should thank him�� It really
is good.

He sits beside me with his own plate,
sporting a stack several times the size of mine. I�m not bitter; he understands
how much I can eat, even if I do like it. While I�m poking the bacon � I don�t
know yet if I�ve any desire to eat it � he takes my empty right hand and makes
me look at him.

�You really are feeling okay?�

I nod. �I�m fine.� Just a little worried when
I couldn�t find him this morning� then again, I�m paranoid, and usually worried
about several things at once�

He nods and squeezes my hand, taking another
forkful of pancake before he speaks again. �Seto� I want to talk to you.�

I don�t look at him. �Is this about last
night?�

�Yes, it is. Seto��

�Why didn�t you take me up on it?� This will
bother me for the rest of my life if I don�t ask.

He squeezes my hand again. �Because you
didn�t want me to.�

�But I told you you could. You wanted to.�

�But you didn�t want me to,� he repeats. I
shake my head. It only works like that in the movies�

He sighs and sets his fork down, wrapping his
arms around me. I let my head rest on his shoulder; I feel warm and safe, no
matter what he�s going to say right now. I have to believe his promises�

�Seto, you know, you must know, how this is
supposed to work� I love you, and I refuse to hurt you, even so much as to take
advantage of you. If you don�t want me to, I won�t. I want to, I want to show you
how much I love you and how it should be, but I won�t until you will not only
allow me but actually want me to.�

To be honest, his words scare me. The unknown
scares me. People are supposed to take what they want and fuck the will and
desire of anyone else. That�s how the world works. And here he is, claiming to
love me and to want to treat me with some modicum of respect� the only respect
I get is what I beat out of people. I don�t really want this�

He just rubs my arm and makes me relax, as
though he can read my thoughts. I think I�m done with breakfast.

�Let�s stay home today, Seto,� he suggests,
far too reasonably for such a blasphemous sentence.

�I don�t think we should� we need to go to
school today.�

�No, we don�t.�

�Is there an reason for this, or do you just
feel like cutting class?�

I think he smiles. It sounds like it anyway.
�We haven�t been able to be alone for long� I think we need some time. We need
to talk, because if we don�t, we�ll never get anywhere� every other night will
be like last night, and we�ll utterly destroy any progress we�ve made��

He has a point, I suppose. A day completely
alone to figure things out and such couldn�t hurt, unless it breaks us apart�
but if it does, then we only would have broken up anyway, and better sooner
than later.

I finally nod, and he strokes my hair gently.
We only have the briefest of moments of peace before Mokuba bounces in,
grinning as he sees us, then zeroing in on the plate in front of me.

�Nii-sama � you ate breakfast?�

I nod, a little amused at the disbelief in
his voice. �Yami is a good cook.�

�Aww�� He pouts. �Any left for me?�

Yami smiles and points with his fork toward
the counter. �You�re welcome to any that�s left. I don�t think Seto wants any
more�� I shake my head, and he nods. �And I�m rather full myself.�

�Great!� He snatches the platter of pancakes
and drowns them in enough syrup to make me gag from the smell alone. I gently
sit up and tug on Yami�s hand to pull him from the room. He follows willingly
enough.

�Yami and I aren�t going to school today,� I
tell Mokuba as we leave. �I�ll see you after you get home.� He just nods and
waves us away.

Yami leads me � I�ve no idea when he took the
lead � into one of the sitting rooms on the ground floor, where sunlight is
streaming through sheer curtains and the entire room is warm and almost aglow.
He pulls me toward a soft faded pink couch and settles me against him as he
lies out, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. I rest my head on his shoulder
and comfortably hold his hands in place.

Does he really love me? He keeps telling me
so� I want to believe it, I really do. I like him a lot� I feel better with him
than I do even with Mokuba. No offense to my brother, but Yami just makes me
feel�

He keeps telling me he loves me. Does he
expect me to say it back? Can I even do that? Not that I don�t want to, but I�m
not a good liar, and I�ve no idea if I do� But he hasn�t minded yet. Maybe he
doesn�t mind. Maybe he understands. I hope so, because I don�t want to lose him�
I don�t want to lose this. I hope we can work out anything that needs to be
worked out today, so I won�t have to worry anymore�

�Seto?�

He startles me, and I open my eyes to look up
at him. He smiles when our eyes meet and strokes some hair out of my face. �I
was just wondering if you were awake. Mokuba left about half an hour ago.�

�Oh.� I close my eyes and lean against him
again. �Yeah, I�m awake.� After a moment, I sigh, without moving. �You probably
want to start talking about now��

�We don�t have to, if you don�t want to.�

For a while, I take him at his word, and the
warm sunny silence reigns. I do have to speak, though. �About last night� I�m
sorry.�

�Do you even know what you�re apologizing
for?� It doesn�t sound like an accusation, just a question.

�Of course I do. I�m apologizing for being
paranoid and a bit out of it� I know you�re not using me. I just� don�t want to
believe what you�re saying� about the dreams�� My voice got progressively
smaller there.

He rubs my back. �I understand that, Seto, I
really do. I need you to, though� I need you to accept it. You�ll never be
happy if you don�t� you�ll always be afraid of me, and neither of us wants
that��

I nod in the crook of his neck. That�s true.
I don�t want to be afraid of anything, especially him� �I�m also sorry for
driving you away like I did��

He kisses the top of my head, a strangely
comforting gesture. �You�re not apologizing for that, Seto,� he tells me.

�Really�?�

�Really.� He tilts my head up and kisses me softly.
�You�re apologizing for mistakenly thinking that Gozaburo ever did anything
good for you. And you�re promising to never think that gain.�

�Am I?� Somehow, I hadn�t known that�

He smiles. �You are. All he ever did was hurt
you. Any lessons you learned were not ones that you ever needed to know�� He
doesn�t let me reply, leaning down to kiss me again. I let him. It doesn�t
really matter, does it? I suppose, maybe, I should believe him� not because I
want to, but because he says so.

�Then I�m sorry for what he did to me��

Yami frowns. Nope, apparently, I don�t get it
yet� �It wasn�t your fault. I told you that.�

�But you don�t deserve sloppy seconds�
someone�s leftovers��

This is incredible� he appeared to be about
to slap me for a moment there. Infuriating, am I? �Don�t say that,� he tells
ms. �It wasn�t your fault, and you don�t apologize for something that wasn�t
your fault. I�m just glad to have you; I thought I�d lost you forever. It
doesn�t matter what anyone else did to you; I love you, Seto, and I always
will, no matter what.�

I only stare at him for a moment; he really
does care. After a moment, I offer him a tiny smile, and he wraps his arms
tighter around me, leaning down to give me a kiss.

I shift in his arms to kiss him back more
deeply, my hands resting lightly on his waist. After a moment, his kisses move
to my neck and I tilt my head to the side for him. I run my hands up his sides,
feeling his lithe body through his clothes. There can�t be an ounce of fat on
him, only hard lean muscles and taught skin�

He unbuttons the top two buttons on my shirt
to nip at my collarbone, kissing away the slight sting, and shifts slightly
under me until he can prop himself up and run his hand through my hair as he
kisses me properly. It feels good to have his hands all over me � right, like
something I never knew I was missing but I can�t live completely without it.

This doesn�t frighten me.

My shirt slides completely off my shoulders,
still inside my coat. I do not now, and I have not since he came here, want him
to look at me. My body is disgusting, pale and thin, with too many scars and
not enough attention to how it looks. I�ve hidden it well, never exposing more
of myself than I had to, never letting him see my body� But it was all in vain.
It doesn�t seem like he cares, or minds, pushing my arms away as I belatedly
try to cover myself and kissing my chest with the utmost gentleness.

I don�t understand it� how all this time I could
have been missing something that I never had. I don�t mean the sex, I�ve had
that and hated it � I mean him.

I run my hand through his hair and down to
pull his shirt off over his head. He never dressed for school, so I have no
coat to have to deal with. His skin is smooth and soft, and his body is so much
nicer than mine; he seems skinny, but he�s muscular, too, and he obviously
never skips meals to the point of anorexia. I like his body, so much I could
probably stay here without going a single bit further all day�

We�ve shifted so that he�s supported mostly
overtop of me, rubbing my side gently. Most people, if they knew what he does,
would perhaps think it would be kinder to me to let me be in control, to avoid
triggering a flashback or reminding me of something I can�t take. He knows� he
knows I can�t do that. I don�t even have to tell him for him to understand that
it would be too much like what was done to me, that I would rather have it
happen to me a thousand times than do it to someone else. I don�t know how he
understands me so well, but I love him for it.

�Do you want me to, Seto?� he murmurs against
my neck, sending a shiver down my spine as his hand rubs my stomach, brushing
lower, against my pants.

I run my hand down his firm, tanned chest
before I answer. �No�� I say finally. He recoils as though I burned him.
Probably thinking, what? That I�ve responded, undressed him, because I�ve been
trained to? No, I was trained to do nothing but lie there and take it.

I pull him back down and kiss him. �I don�t
want you to�� I murmur against his lips. �I need you to. It doesn�t feel wrong�
I can�t stop now. I need to have this.� And if he stops now, I will never
forgive him, not after giving me a taste of it like this� Even if all of the
deaths I�ve dreamed were true, I would hate him far more for leaving me like
this than for all of them put together.

He smiles once, looking into my eyes, then
slides one hand into my hair and kisses me again, his other hand opening my
pants. There is a brief surge of apprehension, but I can overcome it easily and
help him. Even the heavy golden weight of his Puzzle pressing coldly into my
chest as it droops on its chain seems familiar and comforting�

Slowly ending the kiss, I pull off both his
Puzzle and my locket simultaneously, shirting on the couch to set them aside on
the table above my head. Neither Yugi nor Mokuba is with us now, no memories,
no duties, no pasts. There is just us, and this. This is how I want it.

He is smiling as I look at him again, and
murmurs �You used to like it with the Puzzle on�� He is slowly sliding my pants
down as he kisses me, though, before I can make sense of it, and it doesn�t
seem all that important, really.

This time, he doesn�t even bother to look at
my body when he exposes it, just rubbing his hand down my side and the side of
my leg in a way that feels so good without taking his eyes from my face.
�You�re beautiful, Seto�� he says quietly as he kisses me again; I want to
point out that he didn�t look, but that doesn�t seem very important either. My
hands slide down his boy but hesitate at his waist, leaving his pants alone.
One last chance to back away.

He moves so that he doesn�t need his arms to
hold him up and gently puts his hands on both of mine as he continues to kiss
me, gently guiding them to open his pants and push them down. It feels better
to let him guide me, or maybe just to have his hands on my, and I move as
slowly as possible.

Eventually his pants are dropped to the
floor, though, and he presses his body against mine. We fit together so
perfectly. And then he just proves himself again, and doesn�t rush me,
apparently happy to lie here and kiss me, feeling my body without pressuring me
into anything I don�t want, or making it seem like it�s all he wants� I still
want him, of course, and would hate him if he stopped� but not as much anymore,
I think.

In the end, it�s me that has to tear my mouth
away from his neck and tell him to go on, that I don�t want to wait anymore. He
only smiles, as though that were a game to see who would give in � or is that
give out? � first, but kisses me again and slides his body along mine as he
pushes my legs apart, making me groan. Yes, I do want him now � very much,
right now.

I�m used to doing it another way � they never
wanted to see my face, I suppose � but he leaves me on my back like this and
slicks his fingers in his mouth, removing them quickly to slide one inside of
me. It�s neither new nor painful; it�s familiar, like it never has been before,
and I welcome it.

I close my eyes as he prepares me; when he�s
done he pulls them out and pushes my legs up, positioning himself. He touches
my face lightly and gets me to open my eyes, and I look up at him, finding his
blood-colored eyes directly above mine.

�If it gets too much,� he says quietly, �if
you start to think it�s him, or anyone else, just look at my face, and remember
that it�s me, and that I love you. If you have to, don�t be afraid to tell me
to stop. I will. If you ask me to, I will. I won�t hurt you.�

If nothing else, if I had any inclination to
distrust him, his eyes convey his sincerity. I can�t speak around the block
that�s suddenly formed in my throat, but I nod. No one has ever said anything
like that to me. Ever.

He nods back and slowly begins to push his
way into me. It isn�t a violation, an intrusion, a crime, something to fight
against. This is two pieces of a puzzle slowly falling together as I accept
him, as he works his way into my body.

He finds his place, buried to his hilt inside
me, and I change positions to wrap my legs around him and hold him there as,
suddenly, I know I�ve been wrong all day, every day, since he first confronted
me � none of what I thought was the ultimate rightness, not his holding me, his
touching me, his being with me, none of those were what was so unbearably
right. This is what is so right� this is the ultimate perfection in the
universe, the cosmic alignment as everything falls into place. This is exactly�
right.

�I love you�� he murmurs, holding still, and
kisses me. I hold him down to draw it out. I need nothing more than to just
stay here within this bubble of perfection for as long as we can do so�

�I love you too�� I manage to say, quietly,
holding onto him. It sounds so strange, to hear that, coming out of my mouth�
but it feels just so right. I can�t explain it� I feel like I�m supposed
to love Yami, and this is just fulfillment of the natural order.

Yami smiles and begins to move, drawing back
for a moment before pushing back in, and repeat� He�s being slow and drawing it
out; I feel like we could do this for hours. I almost want to. Until Mokuba
comes home, maybe�

I hear my voice cry out, but that�s not
important; the sudden pleasure as he hits that elusive spot inside of me is
what�s important. I feel myself pulling hm closer, and I know I want him to do
that again, but neither of those has very much to do with my mind anymore.

�Yami, more� please��

We obviously won�t last hours. Five more
minutes, maybe, if we�re lucky, He doesn�t reply, changing his position and
repeating, finding the spot again. I can only hold on, telling him how good it
is. There�s no way I could start to think this was Gozaburo. No way. This is
him, and it�s so different�

�Gods, Atemu�� My face hides in the crook of
his neck, pulling him against me. He enfolds my erection in a warm hand and
begins stroking it, taking my breath away in a wash of excited sensation that
makes me press against him without thought or compunction. I�ve never felt like
this before�

�Gods, I love you� ntjr Seto� you
are so beautiful��

�Seti-koi� aishiteru� you�re so beautiful��

�Saiteau� God, you�re beautiful, mon amor� Je
t�adore��

�Seto��

��so beautiful��

��I love you.�

�Seto�� he murmurs
breathlessly into my ear, audibly close to himself. �Gods. You�re so beautiful,
Seto� I love you��

I cry out into his shoulder, digging my
fingers into his back as he says it, driving me headlong over the edge in my
mind and away from coherence, leaving me only with him, with the love of him
that I can never express�

The world slowly comes back into focus. I
could honestly care less about the fact, except that it allows me to realize
that it�s his comfortable warmth on top of me. A small noise of absolutely no
meaning escapes me and I shift slightly to pry my fingers from his back. I
think I made him bleed with my fingernails.

�I�m sorry about that, Atemu,� I murmur to
him, and wrap my arms around him to hold him close to me. I just don�t want to let
him go. I want to stay like this forever now.

He shifts as well and runs his hand through
my hair. �You called me �Atemu�,� he says gently, as though expecting me to
take it back.

�It�s your name.� I didn�t mean to call him
that, or so say my explanation aloud, but they�re both right�. I know they are.
Just like being with him feels right. And� maybe I should trust my instincts
once in a while instead of ignoring them. I have a feeling my life will get
easier.

He doesn�t reply to that, only kisses me
deeply, and I return it instantly.

�Seto�� he murmurs. �I�m never going to leave
you��

�I know. It�s different this time.�
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Not This Time

Chapter Fifteen � Acceptance

�Gods, I love you� ntjr Seto� youare so beautiful��

�Gods, I love you� ntjr Seto� you
are so beautiful��