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Ambivalence	By : PupshitDesu Category: Yu-Gi-Oh > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 4882 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter List
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It came as a surprise later in the night when he felt a warm hand against his stomach, the fingers lightly pressed against his skin as a warm mouth huffed along his jawline. He didn't fight against the attention, despite it being the middle of the night, and he relaxed as he felt Kaiba shift behind him. There was a hand in his hair, stroking it, and Jonouchi kept his eyes closed. He didn't plan on fighting the contact.

Maybe Kaiba just felt bad for him. It was entirely possible possible that he was just being nice to him since he stumbled into his bedroom drunk. Jonouchi had been desperate for him, so much so that it had probably been a little frightening. Feeling slightly more sober than hours before, he rolled onto his back before meeting Kaiba's lips, trying to pull him closer and exhaling a deep sigh.

He probably tasted heavily of alcohol. He was well aware the sake probably stung, but Kaiba didn't shy away. Instead, he was rocking into him lightly, moving Jonouchi's legs apart until their groins were pressed together, and then he started bucking against him. The sensation was elating, and Jonouchi was immediately hot for him when he felt his sex against his own. He moaned openly and shamelessly when Kaiba started kissing along his neck and jawline.

There was always a special kind of tenderness Kaiba exerted while kissing, one that Kitamura could never reproduce. With Kaiba, it was as if he was completely aware of how Jonouchi felt and was trying to show him the same sort of appreciation. To give him some sense of gratification instead of just kissing almost routinely for foreplay. It was like he cared. Like it meant more than just how quickly they could get off.

Jonouchi took a deep breath as his eyes closed. He didn't know exactly what was going on anymore. He wasn't quite sober, and was such an emotional mess at this point that he couldn't really think straight. He opened his eyes to get his bearings and saw Kaiba reaching for something in his nightstand drawer. That was fine. Better than fine, really, that was fantastic. He felt a strange sense of satisfaction as he moved his hips up in response to a hand gripping him there, and feeling fingers pressing along his entrance, he relaxed more before opening his eyes again.

This was what he wanted. He wanted Kaiba to be with him, to want him like that. The way Jonouchi wanted him. He kept his arms around Kaiba's neck as slender fingers reached inside of him and stroked his prostate, causing him to squirm a little in pleasure. Jonouchi relaxed quickly, enjoying the feeling of penetration immensely as he watched Kaiba's face with half lidded eyes, his breathing beginning to catch and his body becoming warmer. It was like his chest was about to explode, he felt so hot; he was beginning to shake from the arousal and anticipation. He was definitely eager for more when Kaiba started lubing up under the sheets.

They weren't even speaking to each other, but it was like nothing had to be said. Jonouchi wanted him, badly, and he knew that Kaiba knew. He drew up his knees and exposed himself, unable to help feeling a little nervous about it. Kaiba seemed to understand, even though he hadn't said anything. He coaxed Jonouchi into a relaxed state again with a gentle hand trailing over his stomach. Then he felt Kaiba inside of him, their bodies pressing together until they were joined, and his mate's lips were pressing at his mouth.

God, it was the best feeling in the world, the kind of gratification that came from finally getting what he wanted. They were having sex. Kaiba was going to be with him. It was almost more than he could handle; there was a swelling in his chest that made him want to burst into laughter and tears all at once. He held tightly on to Kaiba's shoulders, moaning and pressing his legs closer against the man's body to drive him deeper, trying to make the angle as good as possible. He wanted everything to feel good, and not just for him. He watched as Kaiba's face became more overtaken with lust for him, his eyes dark and dilated.

When his face came closer, Jonouchi moved his to expose his neck, enjoying the feeling of nipping and kissing. He closed his eyes, sliding his fingers into Kaiba's hair and massaging his scalp while breathing heavily. Everything felt perfect; their joining was the most physically elating, emotionally stimulating thing he'd ever experienced. He started to lose himself in it until teeth bit harder than expected, and he hissed in pain. Opening his eyes quickly, he looked at Kaiba confusedly, but then it wasn't Kaiba anymore.

It was Kitamura. His dispassionate eyes were black, and his eyebrows creased when they made eye contact and Jonouchi gasped. Before he could even ask what was going on, he pulled out quickly and forced Jonouchi onto his stomach. He pinned his arms behind him, and Jonouchi tried to yell at him to stop, but he couldn't speak. He felt paralyzed, his limbs heavy and unable to respond to signals from his brain. Kitamura seemed too preoccupied with his own desires to take note of Jonouchi's expression of horror. He didn't hesitate to lift his hips up and push his head down against the pillow so that his voice was muffled from the material.

"Kitamura," Jonouchi tried yelling, finding his voice at last, "Stop it! What are you doing?"

He heard Kitamura speak, his voice dismissive and self-assured.

"It's all right, just relax. It only stings at first."

That did nothing to comfort Jonouchi. He felt a hand digging into his side, and then the worst kind of pain he could imagine as something solid and stiff entered him too quickly, and he screamed, the noise muffled by the pillow. He was biting his lip to the point that it was bleeding. He couldn't do anything. No amount of struggling or screaming, orbegging for it to stop would prevent Kitamura from driving him hard into the bed. He closed his eyes waiting for the nightmare to end, trying to separate himself from the situation and finding that he was unable. Jonouchi couldn't struggle; his desperate screams had no bearing on what was happening. He felt Kitamura speed up, the pain becoming too intense...

Then his eyes opened and there was light on his face. It didn't register, and Jonouchi shot up in bed, crying out in panic. He took a moment to register that he'd been lying in Kaiba's bed. The other man was right behind him, and opened his eyes in confusion. He probably noticed Jonouchi's pale complexion, the slight sheen on his forehead from cold sweat. He was shaking, his stomach horribly sick and his mind overwhelmingly disturbed.

"Jonouchi," he heard Kaiba mutter, "Why are you yelling? Go to sleep."

Jonouchi looked back at him silently. Kaiba's arms were around his waist, and he had his eyes closed. His face was relaxed, as if nothing had happened at all, and Jonouchi finally realized that they had been asleep together. Nothing more. Kitamura wasn't there. He hadn't been doing that to him, not tonight.

Still shaking and feeling horribly sick, he settled back against Kaiba. His scent was comforting, his steady breathing soothing. His body felt warm and strong, a suitable tool for his protective nature. Jonouchi tried closing his eyes and relaxing into the warmth, but every time he did, he could see Kitamura's dark eyes peering at him. Watching him like he was an object. Not even that, it was more like he was prey.

He felt haunted.

The sick churning in his stomach became unbearable. Jonouchi tried to swallow back the bile that was rising into his throat, but eventually he gagged, and ended up stumbling frantically to the bathroom. He didn't want to vomit all over Kaiba and his bed.

Fortunately, the toilet seat was already up due to Kaiba being male, and Jonouchi got there just in time. He fell to his knees as he retched, still weak and dizzy from the alcohol he'd consumed just hours ago. He tried to push his bangs out of the way to make sure he wouldn't get any mess in them, but he couldn't keep track of it while he was throwing up. His stomach expelled the vomit so forcefully that he had to consciously stop it from going up his nose. Tasting already-digested junk food was bad enough without having it in his nostrils.

He felt fingers in his hair and jumped in surprise, but he didn't struggle. He assumed it must be Kaiba, especially when the strands of his bangs and errant hair from the back of his head was combed out of his face. Jonouchi wanted to make some expression of gratitude, but it wasn't really possible at the moment. His stomach was almost empty by now, surely, but he kept hacking, his stomach retching violently as if to ensure no sickness would remain.

When it stopped, Jonouchi worked to catch his breath and spat into the toilet a few times to make sure there wasn't anything in his mouth. Then he reached for the flushing lever clumsily and stood. Or, tried to stand. He ended up needing help.

With Kaiba's assistance, he made it to the sink and started rinsing his mouth out. His head was pounding, but what got to him more than that was the shaking he couldn't prevent, and the horrible clammy chill that had settled over him since he'd awakened from his nightmare.

"Thanks," he muttered weakly after his mouth no longer tasted of bile, "For the help, I mean."

He could still feel Kaiba holding his hair back. That was the sign of a true friend right there.

"You look like a mess."

Kaiba frowned before ushering Jonouchi back to the bed, trying to ignore the smell that was coming out of the bathroom. It was rather disgusting, but nothing Kaiba hadn't done himself, when he didn't know his limits. Eventually after drinking so much habitually, he realized what was too much for him, but before, he used to mess himself up all the time. And no one could take care of him.

So he took some pity on Jonouchi, getting him a glass of water to sip on before spraying the bathroom with air fresher. He didn't want the scent stinking up everything.

"You shouldn't have drank so much," he mumbled, stating the obvious, "And you should hold off on food until lunch. I don't want you puking that up either. Just drink."

He would need water. Hydration would make things better for him, and Kaiba knew sometimes the stomach would still puke it back up. If worse come to worse, he'd have to take Jonouchi to see his doctor so he'd get an IV placed, but that probably wouldn't be too necessary. Not over something like a nasty hangover.

"So, are you going to tell me what happened last night?" Kaiba asked, "You were really upset."

And it was a little scary, when Jonouchi just burst into his room, going on about making a deal so he could get paid for sex. It confused the hell out of Kaiba, who was half asleep, but now that he had some time to think over it, he wanted to figure out what was going on. And settle it.

"Uh," Jonouchi half-groaned. Talking didn't suck so much after water, but his throat still stung from throwing up. "I was drunk and being a fucking moron. It wasn't anything relevant."

He was lying, but now that he was a little bit more sober, he was regaining his sense and inhibitions. And, as he regained them, he realized more and more that he should definitely not have tried begging Kaiba to pay him for sex the night before. It had seemed like a great idea at the time, but he'd had a liter and a half of sake, too.

His logical mind knew better. Kaiba wouldn't pay him for sex. Kaiba wouldn't have sex with him for free, why would he do it for money? That, and starting a relationship with Kaiba that mirrored the one with Kitamura...Jonouchi didn't want to do that. It was shitty enough dealing with Kitamura, feeling horribly uncomfortable and unenthusiastic about the sex, but remaining. Maybe it would be easier to just not deal with it if he didn't have that pretense of a relationship nagging at him. Kitamura wasn't exactly unpleasant to him, even if he was demanding.

He cleared his throat and kept his breathing even to prevent the water from coming back up. He wanted to get rid of his hangover as soon as possible.

"I don't believe you, Jonouchi."

It wasn't something "irrelevant". Not if it was bothering Jonouchi enough that he busted into the room around three in the morning and woke up Kaiba demanding pay for sex. There had to be something else going on, and the way Jonouchi averted his eyes was enough that Kaiba could tell. He was hiding something, clearly, and was probably too ashamed to explain himself.

Taking a seat by the edge of the bed, he massaged his temples before looking Jonouchi in the eyes.

"Just tell me what's going on. You owe me that much."

Jonouchi wanted to defiantly insist that he didn't owe Kaiba anything that personal, but he didn't say it. He knew it wasn't true, and he was too exhausted to be stubborn. That, and he was still a little drunk, not to mention insecure after the nightmare. Kaiba was gazing at him sternly, his expression making Jonouchi feel even more ashamed of himself. He sighed.

"I was stressing about shit. I ended up trying to drown my sorrows, and thought that my idea to barge into your room was great after a bottle of sake."

He didn't really want to tell Kaiba about the dream he'd had, the actual trigger for the situation. That would be too much. He couldn't go delving into all that emotional shit, not while he was already sick and barely holding himself together as it was.

"What about you waking up screaming?" Kaiba asked, "Was that just "stressing about shit" too?"

He felt like he was scolding Jonouchi, but someone had to. He wasn't opening up.

Jonouchi couldn't meet his eyes. He rubbed his own eyes, partly because they were sore, but mostly because he was warding off mental images. His nightmare had been mostly influenced by his first night with Kitamura. He knew that much. It was bad enough remembering that from time to time without the nightmare. He hated recalling that feeling of physical pain and helplessness, and getting immersed in it against his will wasn't the best thing that could have happened.

"It was a nightmare," he stated, though that was probably obvious, "It was...I guess things that were on my mind, and a bad memory. It doesn't matter, I'm fine now. It was just a bad dream."

"Yeah, I don't really believe that either."

Sighing, Kaiba just shook his head before laying down on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Jonouchi was just in his pants, and he glanced at him with an annoyed expression before snorting and looking back up at the ceiling. He wasn't good at making people talk. Usually Mokuba just did it on his own; he was pretty open about his troubles. But this wasn't like anything Kaiba had dealt with before.

And he wanted to do something, because Jonouchi drank a bottle of sake worth over two thousand yen and woke his ass up in the middle of the night... puking in the morning. It was worse than Kaiba's sad drinking, and all because Jonouchi couldn't handle whatever was bothering him. Or wouldn't. He wasn't exactly sure yet what the issue was.

"But I guess I can't make you talk to me if you don't want to, right?" He asked, looking over at Jonouchi again in the hopes of making him feel a little guilty. "You can just sleep the hangover off until you're ready to go home later."

"It isn't that I don't want to talk to you, Kaiba," Jonouchi frowned. In all honesty, he wouldn't mind someone to confide in, but he didn't really have anyone around who wouldn't be appalled or outright disgusted. Or more judgmental than he could handle at the moment. "I don't want you to think any worse of me than you already do."

"I don't think badly of you Jonouchi," explained Kaiba, trying to sound sincere, "But I'd understand you better if you just told me what is going on with you."

Jonouchi mulled it over (painfully, due to his pounding headache). It was odd, how things had changed around. Just a few weeks ago, he was the one begging Kaiba to spill his guts. Of course, Kaiba usually chased him off, but Jonouchi didn't have the will to do the same.

"It started out okay," he began. The dream was still fresh in his mind. "I was dreaming about sex...but then it turned into this nightmare, like a memory but not quite the same as what happened. It was about that night at your hotel. You know...Sigfried's after party."

He left out the fact that Kaiba was the object of his sex dream. That would probably make him pretty uncomfortable, and he didn't want to make it seem like he was associating Kaiba with poor experiences. That certainly wasn't how it seemed to him, anyway.

"What exactly happened at the convention?" Pressed Kaiba. "I don't remember much of it."

Kaiba remembered that Jonouchi went up with Kitamura, but not much else. The details were vague, and he was under the impression that Jonouchi was fine. He had said a few days after that he was comfortable with his sexuality, and the sex he was having without all the emotional attachment and whatnot involved in it, but apparently that wasn't the case.

Something had happened in that hotel room.

"You can tell me, Jonouchi. I'm not going to think poorly of you. If you want to consider me a friend, then let me be one."

Jonouchi squirmed. He was sure Kaiba was being honest, but he hadn't heard what he was going to say, either. He might change his mind.

"I went upstairs with Kitamura. I know you think I had sex with him for pay that night, but that isn't what happened."

Not that Jonouchi had done anything to dispel that impression. He probably should have said something earlier, but somehow, he was reluctant to call Kitamura his boyfriend.

"We went to the room Mokuba let me use. I got messed up drunk and we had sex."

He didn't like saying it. Honestly, he would have preferred to say that he'd been paid, at this point. It would have been a better circumstance than what had actually happened. He could still remember being distraught that night, and how he'd felt the day afterward. At least if it had been sex for pay, he wouldn't feel like as much of an idiot. Maybe he'd still be a whore, but he wouldn't be dysfunctionally stupid.

"Was that not what you had planned on doing in the first place? I was under the impression you were trying to get laid. That's what you told me when I asked."

He didn't understand how he could be so bothered by it if he only got what he wanted. Unless... he was only trying to convince himself that was what he wanted. And maybe the situation wasn't exactly what it seemed.

"Well, kind of..." Jonouchi muttered, "I mean, I knew what he wanted. I didn't exactly want to have sex with him, but I let him come upstairs with me anyway, and I got really drunk knowing he wanted to have sex with me..."

He couldn't really remember most of his thoughts and feelings from that night, at least not after the drinking started. He knew what had happened; he had enough memory for that. But it was a little strange, more like a dream he'd half-forgotten than a scarring memory.

"I try not to think about it. It wasn't my greatest moment."

"Did you tell him before that you wanted to sleep with him or did he just push it on you?" Asked Kaiba, getting a bit more worked up under what sounded like suspicious circumstances. "Kitamura was never one for playing the field fairly. Did he get you drunk on purpose?"

"I don't know about that," Jonouchi's brows furrowed as he thought about it. He recalled Kitamura sipping on his drink while he himself downed full tumblers of alcohol. He hadn't thought much of it at the time. Just that Kitamura was a pussy drinker. "I don't know. I never told him I wanted to sleep with him or anything, but I never told him to stop. And I was pretty inviting, it wasn't like his intentions weren't obvious..."

"That doesn't mean anything," replied Kaiba, "If he gave you the alcohol, then he intended to have you without a fight. This isn't the first time I've heard of him doing something like this... Like I've said before, he has a reputation. There's a reason why I don't invite him to my parties. Ever."

"Oh," was all Jonouchi could say in response. What else was there? He didn't know how to reply to that. All he could think about was Rintama back when he was fourteen, the stories they'd told about drugging drinks. Not that his drink had anything put in it, but the intent was familiar. "I guess he got what he wanted, then. I didn't do much but let shit happen. I was pretty out of it. And I mean, it wasn't awful at first. I was kind of into it."

"But did you actually want it, or did he force it on you? I know you've been thinking more with your dick than your head lately," teased Kaiba, trying to make the situation a little lighter, "And that doesn't mean what he did was okay. Not if you're so bothered, you're having nightmares about it months later."

Jonouchi didn't respond immediately. He had to think about it for the first time. Normally he just pushed it to the back of his mind when it popped up. He couldn't change the fact that it had happened, and frankly he'd been blaming himself for it since it occurred.

"I don't know if it was forced," Jonouchi admitted, "I was nervous because I hadn't done it before, and I freaked out at the end because it hurt a lot. I was dazed for most of it, I didn't really know what was going on until the last part."

Shit. The more he talked about it, the worse it sounded. Jonouchi was starting to feel sick again.

"He wasn't violent or anything. I was just too drunk to tell him to stop, or respond really."

"Jonouchi, you know as well as I do what exactly he was doing, don't make excuses for it in your head...Are you still seeing him around?"

Hopefully not, but Jonouchi was known to do stupid things for reasons that made no sense. And he talked before like he was still screwing around with the man, even after what happened. It didn't make any sense to Kaiba, but maybe it would come together better if it was explained.

"If he's bothering you, I can make him go away, I've threatened him enough times..."

"Um," Jonouchi felt deeply uncomfortable. The last thing he wanted to tell Kaiba at this point was that he was still hooking up with Kitamura. "He and I had dinner the day after. I see him every couple of weeks when he's in town."

For less than nine hours at a time, to boot. The longest period they'd spent in each other's company was when Kitamura took him to buy new clothes. Jonouchi didn't really like the way Kaiba was looking at him, so he covered his eyes with his forearm. He felt too exposed. This shit was bad enough in his head, much less talking about it with someone else.

"Jonouchi, why would you do that?"

He was absolutely shocked. It appeared to Kaiba that, for all intents and purposes, Kitamura had taken advantage of Jonouchi, as he did other people in the past, and was milking out as much as he could from someone who was too confused and naive to tell him to fuck off. Kaiba didn't understand it. Was Jonouchi really so desperate for sex that he'd go hanging around his rapist?

"Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds? He took advantage of you, probably planned it out, and you're just hanging out with him like nothing happened?"

Japan had very different ideas about what was acceptable while intoxicated, and usually Kaiba didn't judge people while inebriated; he got drunk enough himself rather often. However, he'd seen Kitamura, and he was not so far gone that he wouldn't have known any better than to prey on Jonouchi. Someone who was lonely, no doubt, and curious, and lacking any good sense to take care of himself.

There were a lot of things Kaiba could overlook while someone was intoxicated, but seducing someone who was even more drunk was not one of those things.

"Either you were okay with having sex with him or not. Don't fool yourself into thinking anything otherwise, obviously it's not working if you're having nightmares over it."

Jonouchi couldn't speak. He rolled over on his side, his back to Kaiba. What was he supposed to say? He hadn't thought too much of what had happened with Kitamura. He'd brushed it off as a stupid decision on his part and then proceeded to take his money.

"I don't know, Kaiba," Jonouchi tugged at his hair, "It just kind of happened. I have sex with him and he pays me."

Well, there it was. Still no explanation for why he would do that with someone who'd taken advantage of him, he supposed, but he didn't have an answer for that. It didn't really register with him the way it seemed to do with Kaiba.

"Do you really have so little respect for yourself?"

"What do you mean?" Jonouchi snorted. "It's not that big a deal, is it? Shit happens. It was my own stupid fault that I was drunk, and I need the money."

"You're whoring yourself out to your rapist."

Kaiba didn't know any way to get his point across other than just being blunt about it. Probably the only way to make Jonouchi understand just how bad this whole situation was, since he seemed so convinced to make it something he could just overlook and ignore. Although, obviously, it was still bothering him. Enough that he was waking up screaming over the night it had happened.

"Is he the reason why you were drinking all my sake last night?"

"...In a way," Jonouchi muttered. He'd been drinking because of Kaiba, not Kitamura. Not that Kaiba did anything to him, but Jonouchi had been in a mood because of him. "I've been having bad dreams, I guess. I woke up upset and started drinking to get over it."

He wasn't sure what to say. He couldn't tell Kaiba about that dream. That would be too awkward. And painful, since he already knew what Kaiba would think.

"It's too hard thinking about this shit. I'm not sure what to think about Kitamura. If nothing else, I need the money he gives me."

It was probably a bad idea to mention that they were dating. Kaiba might give up on him entirely at that point. And be pissed off that he'd fooled around with him on the side.

"What part of having sex with the man who forced it on you is all right? Are you seriously that stupid? Did someone drop you as a child, Jonouchi, because I'm trying to understand how you can be so utterly idiotic... Unless you just think so little of yourself, you resorted to... I don't even know what to call it."

Whoring himself out. But even prostitutes didn't keep bad clients, and Kaiba wasn't sure what to think of that. It didn't bother him, sex work, but what Jonouchi was doing was not respectable. Not in the least.

"He's using you, you know that, right?"

"It's not like it's subtle," Jonouchi groaned. Kaiba was brutally honest, but he couldn't really blame him. The whole situation was stupid. "But he isn't mean to me or anything..."

"Rape isn't always some girl getting brutalized in an alleyway, Jonouchi..."

"I know that," Jonouchi replied dryly. No, sometimes it was a girl getting drunk or drugged in a club. "Kaiba, there's nothing to be done about it. I don't even want to think about this shit with Kitamura until I get a new job."

He sighed. It was too complicated, in his opinion. If Kitamura was his "rapist", shouldn't he hate him more? He certainly thought he was selfish, and he didn't like the sex that much, but he was usually good-humored. And he blew all kinds of money on him constantly.

"I'll get you a job if it's that bad, but stop seeing Kitamura. Can you at least do that?"

"Um," Jonouchi stared straight ahead as he contemplated that. Wasn't he supposed to be dating Kitamura? Not that it was much of a relationship, but they did go on "dates" of sorts when they were together. If he had a job, he wouldn't really need to see Kitamura anymore, so he could just break it off, right?

"I guess I won't really need to do anything with him if I have a steady paycheck again."

"So will you?" Pressed Kaiba, leaning into Jonouchi's face a little, despite the fact his breath stank of vomit, "I can get you an entry level gig at KaibaLand. They're always looking for people to run the park, and it's decent pay. There's no reason to screw around with that piece of trash any longer."

"Well," Jonouchi glanced at Kaiba, meeting his eyes for a moment. Shit, he looked so intense that it made him feel strange. Half tingly and half frightened. "I will. I won't have to see him again when I have income. He's no good..."

Why he was having such a struggle with the idea, he couldn't tell. Still, he'd have to suck it up. Once he had the new job at the theme park, he wouldn't have to worry about paying for transportation and food and rent. So Kitamura would be unnecessary. Jonouchi never even wanted to see him, even if it wasn't really unpleasant spending time with him.

So why was it such a stressful concept?

"You're really going to give me a job?" Jonouchi asked, looking at Kaiba and feeling a combination of gratitude and hesitation. "Just like that?"

"It's not like anyone can stop me from doing what I want with my company," snorted Kaiba, "Just don't disappoint me."

But Kaiba knew Jonouchi was a hard worker when he actually put his mind into it. That wasn't something he thought he'd need to be worried about. Kaiba rarely ever hooked up people for employment, but if Jonouchi was that desperate for money, well... Kaiba knew he wouldn't be able to look himself in the mirror with any sort of pride if he didn't help him out. Especially since he had the resources to.

"I'll have it handled for you on Monday. It'll probably be a full time job working as a cashier or at the concession stands, but it shouldn't be that difficult to get somewhere more interesting if you impress the managers. They're always looking for talent, and you certainly have the background for something more suitable to your strengths... like dueling."

They did have dueling arenas, after all.

"I'd pull more strings, but I don't want to piss off the park staff."

"Kaiba, you're doing more than you need to as it is. I don't even know what to say," Jonouchi smiled, even though making the gesture was tiring, "I'd kiss you if I didn't taste like barf."

And if he was physically able to sit up. He could always get Kaiba to bend down, he supposed, but the stinky mouth problem remained.

"A full time job will pay the bills. That's all I need."

"And you'll stop seeing Kitamura then?"

"Yeah," Jonouchi nodded, "I will."

Working at KaibaLand was something of a dream. Although the park had cheesy outfits and long working hours, it was a great environment to work. Everything was clean and since it was indoors, Jonouchi wouldn't have to worry about the summer heat or winter freezing temperatures. The managers were friendly, the staff were helpful, and all in all, it was a surprise that a grump like Kaiba ran such a pleasant place.

The work wasn't as tiring as the soba restaurant, either. Any job would result in pained feet, of course, but Jonouchi wasn't nearly so drained after working as a cashier at KaibaLand, and the management weren't so strict about punch-in times or whether he accidentally got overtime.

Jonouchi hadn't really thought much about Kitamura since Kaiba had promised him the job. He liked to think it was because he'd stopped caring, but he knew it was because he was avoiding the issue. It was easy to do, since Kitamura wasn't exactly blowing up his phone. Jonouchi hadn't heard from him since his last little news bulletin, and now that was irrelevant.

He knew he was in town, though. It crossed his mind as he left KaibaLand, and then he couldn't shake off the thought. Kitamura was going to be in town for a few days, in fact, but Jonouchi hadn't heard from him. Not that it would matter much if he had, but still. It made him wonder if he'd done something that put him off. That would make things easier on him, of course, since that would mean no messages on his phone.

Jonouchi sighed as he approached the metro to catch the train. He shouldn't even be thinking about it. If Kitamura did try messaging him, he'd ignore it. It was that simple. Of course, it would probably result in his phone being shut off, so he'd be without one until he got his first paycheck, but it was a small price to pay.

Still. He couldn't help wondering what he would say if he broke it off in person. Weren't they boyfriends? Or, some imitation of that. Technically, ignoring the other person was the worst possible dick move when it came to ending a relationship. Text message wasn't much better, but Jonouchi didn't really want to run into Kitamura. He'd noticed, thinking back on their time together, that he could think whatever he wanted before they hooked up. Somehow, Kitamura's manner always made him cooperate, and he wasn't sure why.

He was about to step on the train when his phone vibrated. Jonouchi checked it, hoping it was Anzu or Mokuba. It was Kitamura, of course. Speak of the devil...

He ignored the first message as he sat on a metro bench, but it was quickly followed by a second one that he also read. The messages consisted of a greeting and asked him if he was available. Jonouchi considered replying to them, but he felt nervous about it. It would be so easy to just say no, he wasn't, and never would be again. Or, it should be easy. But it wasn't.

Jonouchi replied with no. Kitamura asked him why, which honestly he'd predicted, but he hadn't thought ahead to making a response. He felt strange, like part of him wanted to sent him all the nasty-grams he could muster, and the rest of him wanted to just ignore his phone altogether. Maybe chuck it somewhere or sell it.

Rather than doing any of those things, he sent Kitamura a message saying he wasn't going to meet him, and left it at that. Unfortunately, his delay resulted in his missing the train, but he shrugged it off. He could use the fresh air and exercise, now. He felt strangely down in the dumps. He should be happy to cut Kitamura loose, shouldn't he? Even if they were "dating". Kitamura was just using him. Kaiba had said so, so Jonouchi knew it wasn't just him being prissy.

He was walking by a cluster of restaurants uptown when he heard his name being called. He looked around, trying to see who in the crowd of people on the street had said his name. It had been a bit distant, to the point that Jonouchi didn't recognize the voice. He hoped to god it wasn't one of the punks from Rintama. But the likelihood of them being uptown was almost nothing.

As he looked toward the direction of the sound, his eyes widened when he saw who had called him. He turned sharply and started walking in the other direction, his heart beating so hard that he could feel it in his throat. Dear god, why. Just. Why. And how, for that matter? Wasn't he supposed to be lucky?

He heard his name again and walked faster, hoping that he could find enough of a break in the herd to start running outright. As he approached the nearest intersection, he gasped when he felt a tight grip on his wrist yanking him back. He turned quickly out of instinct, even though he knew who it was.

"Jonouchi," Kitamura huffed, still holding onto his wrist more tightly than was comfortable, "I was calling you."

"Okay," Jonouchi replied. Kitamura looked confused. Well, what else was he supposed to say? It should have been obvious at that point that Jonouchi was avoiding him, and Kitamura was acting as if he just hadn't heard, or hadn't understood.

"You said you weren't going to meet me, so I got a little concerned," Kitamura stated, "I tracked your phone and it turned out you were only about a block away, so I came after you."

Jonouchi stiffened. Tracked his phone? Kitamura knew where he was all the time, then? That was a terrible, terrible concept. He needed to just get rid of the thing. His friends could deal with hearing nothing from him for another week and a half.

"Me saying I wasn't going to see you wasn't a valid reason to stalk me," Jonouchi yanked his wrist free and glared at Kitamura. He was deeply uncomfortable and on the verge of being outright angry. It was Kaiba's doing, but he didn't see Kitamura the same way anymore. He didn't want to let the concept of being raped by him linger on his mind, but their first night together definitely hadn't been pre-approved. Or approved during. Or after.

"You didn't really explain yourself. I wondered if something was wrong."

"Something is wrong," Jonouchi scowled, "It's you. Goodbye."

He started walking away again, this time much more briskly. He reminded himself that Kitamura would be able to find him anyway, but it wouldn't matter if he could get somewhere secure. Maybe cross a bridge over the canal when he cut through the park so he could toss that phone away. It was just creepy having it now.

Kitamura didn't follow him this time, but Jonouchi got a lot of messages by the time he reached the park. It wasn't until he was on the sidewalks there that he bothered looking at his phone. He probably shouldn't have, but he did regardless. The first message was asking him to come back. Subsequent messages were asking frantic questions like where was he going and why, and the last one was more unexpected. Are we having a fight? it said. As in what, a lovers' squabble? Hardly...

Jonouchi found a bench to sit on and stared at the string of messages. He contemplated whether or not he should respond, and against his better judgment ended up doing so. He didn't feel right just cutting and running, for whatever reason. Kaiba would probably smack him upside the head if he were there. If he was a physically violent person. Honda would probably smack him upside the head.

He told Kitamura that he wasn't going to sleep with him again, and sent him a very accusational message about that first night. He may as well, if he was going to talk to him at all. Not that he expected much of a response, but at least he'd have it off his chest. So to speak.

He didn't hear back for a while. It was enough time for Jonouchi to put his feet up on the bench and start getting inexplicably anxious.

When he got a message back, he checked it quickly. Surprisingly, it was an apology. Followed by desperate pleas for Jonouchi to talk to him about it. Why should he? He didn't owe Kitamura anything.

And yet, he felt compelled to grant his request. Jonouchi felt guilty. He hated it, and hated himself for it, but he did. He avoided thinking about Kaiba, recalling the agreement he'd made and not wanting to contemplate the fact that he was very obviously breaking it. Hopefully he wouldn't run into him accidentally, too.

Kitamura wanted to meet in a restaurant. There wasn't really any potential harm in that, was there? It was out in public, and Jonouchi didn't have to eat anything. He consoled himself with this line of thought as he walked into the ridiculously expensive place. The hostess led him to Kitamura's table, and Jonouchi sat, avoiding the other man's eyes.

What the fuck was he doing here?

"Thank you for coming," Kitamura smiled at him, and Jonouchi felt extremely uncomfortable. Usually his friendliness put him at ease a little. Not so much in this instance. He'd been friendly the night he'd taken Jonouchi's virginity.

"Yeah, well," Jonouchi muttered, and that was it. There wasn't anything else he could say. Yeah, well, he was an idiot. He was a completely fucked up piece of street trash who willingly whored himself out to his rapist.

His eyes wandered the restaurant somewhat vacantly until he caught sight of familiar faces at the entrance. They probably couldn't see him, since he was in a secluded area intended to be out of the general view.

It was Kaiba. But that wasn't bad enough. No, just by his awful luck, Mai was there with him. They were both dressed up a little, Kaiba wearing one of his expensive suits and Mai...well, she'd always been glamorous. The woman was dressed to the nines and looked as stunning as ever. Honestly, the two of them were like some poster couple.

Wait. Were they there together? As in, on a date? Jonouchi felt like his blood ran cold at the very thought. They couldn't be. That was just wrong. Why those two particular people? Not that it would have been much better if he saw Kaiba with someone else, but at least it wouldn't be Mai.

"Are you all right?" Jonouchi's head snapped in Kitamura's direction when he heard his voice. "You look pale."

"Why did you choose a restaurant where Kaiba Seto eats?" Jonouchi demanded in a hushed voice, as if Kaiba would be able to hear him from his table on the other side of the large restaurant. Kitamura looked amused by his behavior, as usual.

"I didn't think it mattered," Kitamura watched him curiously, "It's an upscale eatery. It's to be expected that most of the upper class will show up here at some point. Why is it important to you?"

Jonouchi just scowled and huffed, looking at the table. Kitamura was digging, and he could tell. He wasn't going to say anything to that, lest he fall into a trap and Kitamura find another way to use him. He remained silent until a waiter came with plates. Apparently Kitamura had ordered before he arrived. Jonouchi didn't touch the food.

"Jonouchi," Kitamura spoke quietly, and waited until Jonouchi met his eyes before continuing, "I wanted to talk about what you told me earlier."

"I gathered."

"Well," he seemed uncomfortable, idly picking at his food with his spoon as he paused, "What you said about that night at the hotel. I'm not sure what you're upset about."

"What?" Jonouchi was immediately angry, and it was only by luck that he kept himself under control enough not to yell. "How can you not understand? Wouldn't you be upset if you were in my place?"

Kitamura looked bewildered. How did that not make sense to him?

"Sex is sex," he replied, "I've never had a problem with it, no. You're the first person who's ever complained to me about it, too. I feel that you're being oversensitive."

"Over-" Jonouchi cut off when Kitamura shushed him. He'd been mid-shout. "Oversensitive? You took advantage of me! I was in pain!"

"I already apologized for hurting you," Kitamura looked wary of Jonouchi's rage. He could conjure up quite the evil eye when he was in the right mood. "It wasn't done on purpose."

"You never apologized," Jonouchi growled, "You told me I should have said something and suggested I prepare myself before sex."

Kitamura regarded him with a vacant expression as he thought that through. He probably didn't even recall the exact conversation, but it was burned into Jonouchi's memory.

"Look, I know it's gonna bruise your ego, but you're a terrible lover. Like worse than bad. Actually terrible."

"What?" Kitamura looked completely offended for probably the first time Jonouchi had ever seen. He looked a little bit like a child who felt unjustly punished. "Jonouchi, don't say things just to be spiteful."

"I'm not being spiteful, asshole!" Jonouchi gaped, scandalized at being so flippantly disregarded. "You don't treat me right, and you should know it. You expect sex from me every time we're together, you'll only do doggy, and you don't care if you please me at all."

"I care," Kitamura frowned, "But I don't always have a lot of time. If you aren't satisfied when it's over, you can finish yourself, can't you?"

Jonouchi opened his mouth to refute that, but was cut off.

"I'm only in town every couple of weeks, anyway. Of course I expect sex. I thought you would be interested after that much time passed."

"You shouldn't assume that," Jonouchi sighed. Did he not live in the real world? "You're incredible. Why should I be expected to top myself off? I'm not going to bend over and take it, and then not be satisfied afterward."

Kitamura stared at the table, thinking. Jonouchi sat quietly and let him do it. He probably wouldn't get anywhere, considering how his train of thought tended to be, but Jonouchi was stuck here anyway. May as well see where it went.

"I can try to do better," Kitamura suggested, meeting Jonouchi's eyes, "You seem to know what you want, so you could tell me what to do to improve."

Jonouchi regarded him suspiciously. He wasn't sure how genuine that offer was. Kitamura was manipulative. He understood that much, at this point. That said, he hadn't been yanking him around since that first night, exactly. Just been really unbearably selfish.

Wait. The first night. That was still a problem.

"You still raped me, asshole," Jonouchi narrowed his eyes. Kitamura looked a little cautious.

"Are you still mad?"

"Yes, I'm still mad," Jonouchi replied incredulously, "And I'm going to be mad for the foreseeable future, so congratulations. You fucked up."

"Jonouchi," Kitamura surprisingly had his head bowed slightly, like a child being scolded in school. He looked up at him hesitantly. "I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you, if you're that upset."

Jonouchi watched his dark eyes, feeling put on the spot. Was he actually being remorseful? It was anyone's guess. He didn't move or speak for a few seconds, frozen in place by the decision with which he was presented. What was he supposed to do?

He heard people talking quietly around them, the murmurs joined by the sounds of silverware clinking against porcelain. Then there was a sharp sound that cut through the quiet briefly before being muffled. Jonouchi recognized it as Mai's rather shrill laughter. It was something that made it impossible for her to disguise herself in the past. He peeked toward the other side of the room and saw her still giggling, and Kaiba sitting across from her looking cross.

Shit. He'd much rather be in her place than here.

He didn't need to think about that right now. Kaiba and Mai being on a date wasn't going to assist his decision-making process. Kitamura was still waiting for an answer, but Jonouchi didn't really have one. He barely understood this man at all. What was he supposed to suggest?

"What do you want to do, then, Kitamura?" He sighed, propping his head up with one hand as he tapped the table with his index finger. It was smooth, unlike the knotted wood of less pretentious restaurants.

"I'd like it if we didn't break up," he stated. Jonouchi hummed. He still wasn't sure what to do with that one. "And I'd also like it if you'd spend the evening with me."

"Fuck off."

"That isn't what I meant," Kitamura muttered, "I was going to take you out."

"We are out."

"Somewhere else."

"Hmm."

Jonouchi grumbled quietly to himself, his eyes on everything but Kitamura. He wasn't sure what to do anymore. He'd told Kaiba he wasn't going to see him anymore, but he seemed like he actually intended to try harder. Maybe he could give it a run tonight and see what happened. He wouldn't have to have sex with him unless he wanted to, right? He didn't need the money.

"Where is it you want to go?"

"Can it be a surprise?" Kitamura asked. Jonouchi just glared silently at him. "I was going to take you shopping."

"Again? I don't need any more tight clothes or jewelry."

He wasn't wearing the watch. He'd decided only to put it on when he saw Kitamura, but at this point, he wasn't interested in extending the courtesy.

"I was thinking about getting something else for you. Don't make me tell you, it'll ruin the fun."

"Fun for you, maybe," Jonouchi huffed. He stared at his untouched plate of food. "Fine, we'll go."
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Ambivalence