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In The Name Of Love	By : Rroselavy Category: Yu-Gi-Oh > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 15410 -:- Recommendations : 2 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own YuGiOh!, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Title: In The Name Of Love
Author: Rroselavy
Rating: NC-17
Pairing(s): Jou/Ryou (briefly), Malik/Ryou, Kaiba/Jou, Mokuba/Shizuka, Yami/Yugi
Beta: Akuchan
Spoilers: None, AU
Disclaimer: I do not own or profit in any way from Yu-gi-oh!
Summary: For eight years he has scrupulously avoided the brunet, but now with the impending marriage of their siblings, Jounouchi Katsuya and Kaiba Seto are forced to come to terms with the feelings they've secreted away since adolescence.
CHAPTER 2
Jou sped through the deserted streets of Domino on the beater bike that Honda had sold to him on the cheap, the engine whining its complaints as he pushed it hard. He briefly considered how it would feel to crash, imagined flying free of the handlebars, hurtling through space in a spectacular moment of flight, before crashing to the ground, broken, like Icarus. How ironic it would be if he were to end up in the University emergency room, Ryou crying over him, groveling for his forgiveness as his life drained away. That revenge would be sweet.
His head was filled with psychological jargon and diagnoses. 'Suicide ideation,' he thought wryly. 'Co-dependency,' he added, for he'd long ago been able to diagnose that in himself. His life was littered with a series of dysfunctional relationships in which he needed to prove himself worthy--first his mother, then his father, then later Kaiba Seto, and finally Ryou. He needed to prove that he could be a worthwhile son, a worthwhile opponent, and a worthwhile lover. And just where had any of it gotten him?
His mother would have nothing to do with him. He could barely stand to be in the same room with his father and he hadn't spoken with Kaiba in years, a formidable accomplishment in itself since his best friend Yugi Motou had become a senior vice president at Kaiba Corp., and his sister was dating Kaiba Mokuba. And now here he was, dumped by Ryou in favor of the white-haired man's sadistic ex-boyfriend.
Miraculously he reached his building in one piece, dismounted and unlocked the wrought iron security gate that lead down a blind alley to a small garden and the entrance to his studio apartment. He parked the bike in the alley, made sure the gate swung closed and locked securely. It wasn't the worst neighborhood to live in--it was in a business district--but it was deserted at night. The apartment had been a sweet deal though, and it was located across the street from the restaurant Chez Pierre he worked in. The studio itself was tiny, but the courtyard that served as its entrance was his alone to use, and he'd turned it into his refuge from the world.
When he'd moved into the space five years before, the courtyard had been little more than an abandoned, overgrown lot, surrounded on three sides by the blind faces of buildings. The fourth side contained the entrance to his ground-floor apartment, and one small window that vented his bathroom.
He'd worked tirelessly to turn that space into a patio and garden, laying paving stones in the center area and building raised beds along three walls. He had erected trellises along those walls and planted ivy to cover them. In the beds he'd planted shade-loving plants--dwarf bamboo, hostas, and ferns, and in the center of it all, he'd built a fountain. He loved that the trickle of water drowned out the sounds of the surrounding city.
He sat on a bench facing the fountain and contemplated the evening's earlier events. He didn't want to face the loneliness that awaited him in his empty apartment and in his empty bed. He felt sadness and longing envelope him, and there was familiarity and comfort in those feelings. They reminded him of the adolescence he'd spent pining away over Kaiba Seto, wishing if only for a moment the brunet would see how attracted to him the blond was.
In retrospect it made sense to him that he would be drawn to Kaiba then, someone so obviously out of his league. It was his way of undermining what little self-esteem he could build up, and to feed it into the self-fulfilling prophecy that he was a worthless loser. He sighed softly and let a tear slip down his cheek unhindered. In the year he'd been with Ryou, he hadn't really thought about Kaiba at all. He had believed he was over his adolescent crush, his puppy love. Yet here the brunet was again, occupying the lion's share of time in his musings. Front and center. He cringed at the thought, and felt the anger of his youth well up as he remembered the insults 'mutt' and 'inu', and the degradations of 'loser' and 'third-rate duelist' Kaiba had regularly tossed at him. Not that he didn't give as good as he got, though for some reason 'rich boy' and moneybags' never seemed to have the same bite.
He shook his head in disgust. This line of introspection would get him nowhere. There was a bottle of wine inside he'd purchased for the picnic he and Ryou had planned for tomorrow, and he suddenly craved a glass of the ruby liquid, if only to take the edge off the awful ending to his day.
He slipped the key in the lock and entered his darkened kitchen. It was little more than a galley, but whoever had designed it knew what they were doing. The stove and sink were on opposite walls just inside the apartment entrance--stove on the right, sink to the left. The refrigerator was separated from the stove by a small countertop on which he kept various dried herbs and spices and oils that he used most often when cooking. The doorway leading to a tiny pantry and to the bathroom was on the other side of the refrigerator. On the opposite wall, next to the sink, a four-foot long butcher-block prep counter had been installed. Another counter that served as his eating and studying areas bisected the apartment, running perpendicular from the wall beyond the bathroom door. He sat there now, facing the living area and poured himself a glass of wine. In front of him, the wall on the right side was covered with shelving that warped under the weight of his college texts, cds, dvds, and a growing collection of cookbooks. Against the wall facing him was his TV and stereo, while against the wall to the left was a battered armoire, which contained all of his clothes. On either side of the armoire were mismatched side chairs. Directly in front of the TV with its back to Jou, was a futon that served both as a couch and bed, and between it and the TV was a cedar chest that doubled as a coffee table.
He'd painted the four walls of the studio a soft moss green, and the concrete floor a neutral tan. A deep red ground rug that he'd rescued from someone's garbage covered most of the floor in the living area, while the kitchen floor he'd tiled in repurposed slate shingles that he'd filched from the rubble of a construction site.
It had been the bathroom that had finally sold him on the tiny place. It was huge by most apartment standards, and contained an ancient claw foot tub that had been modernized with shower plumbing added on. It was a deep soak tub, a true luxury in every sense of the word. He thought forlornly how he and Ryou had put it to good use.
The wine tasted good and immediately began to soothe his raw nerves. The euphoria was short-lived though, as the realization that he was once again alone smacked him in the face. He had no lover to share his deepest secrets, his hopes and dreams. Again he was tormented by familiar feelings of worthlessness and loneliness. It occurred to him that the wine he was drinking would not be sufficient to numb him into slumber tonight, and that what he wanted more than anything at that moment was sweet oblivion.
He remembered he'd stashed away a bottle of 25-year-old Johnnie Walker Blue Label that he'd received as a gift at the last Kaiba Corp. Christmas party that Shizuka had shamed him into attending. She'd been dating Mokuba for over two years now and it was obvious to anyone who knew them that they were deeply in love. Shizuka alone knew how carefully Jou avoided the older Kaiba brother, but she nagged him constantly about attending the party, finally shocking him with the statement "You know big bro, someday you two might be family."
"Whaddya mean by that, sis?" Jou had stammered. No one knew that he'd harbored a secret crush on the elder Kaiba--that he'd once thought he was in love with the brunet.
"I think Mokuba is going to ask me to marry him, silly! What did you think I meant?"
"Asking you? He better ask me first!" His older brother instinct had kicked in, causing Shizuka to erupt in a fit of giggles.
So he had found himself formally dressed in a black tuxedo, with the exquisitely attired Ryou on his arm, at the annual Kaiba Corp. Christmas party. He shouldn't have cared what Kaiba thought, after all he was in love with Ryou now, yet he couldn't help but notice the approving glance he caught from the brunet as his eyes raked over Jou, before it turned to a scowl as Ryou draped himself possessively around the blond. Seeing Kaiba for the first time in years had both thrilled Jou and and at the same time filled him with a sense of dread, yet he could not keep his eyes from wandering onto the brunet, watching him as he fulfilled his corporate duties. Kaiba looked every bit as gorgeous and sexy as Jou remembered, and the stirrings of passion flared as the blond had found his thoughts unusually pre-occupied by his old crush.
Ryou had been particularly attentive that night, Jou recalled, as he rummaged his pantry for the whisky. Perhaps his white-haired lover had sensed something that he himself had vainly tried to ignore that night--that he'd been willfully avoiding for several years--he was still hopelessly attracted to Kaiba Seto. Finding his prize, he settled back at the counter with the bottle and a shot glass.
He grimaced as the heat of the first shot burned down his esophagus, and reflected that the whisky would do the job quite nicely. He'd be plastered within minutes, passed out within the hour. The silence of his apartment only underscored the loneliness he was trying to keep at bay. He wandered over to the shelves that held his cds, looking for something that matched his mood, settling on an old disc that had belonged to his mother, Matthew Sweet's "Girlfriend." It was a maudlin record filled with songs of unrequited love and angst, the perfect complement to his life to date.
He poured a second shot, mentally berating himself for choosing his father's way to deal with his problems and reminding himself of the likelihood that he could become an alcoholic as well. He shrugged his shoulders as he downed it. No, this was not going to become a habit, he still had too much in life to look forward to, he rationalized. He just needed to escape tonight. Tomorrow he would pick up the pieces and move on. He refilled the glass one last time, and replaced the stopper on the bottle.
"Kanpai!" he said to no one in particular and gulped down the liquid fire. He stood up and immediately felt the effects of the alcohol. The room spun lazily in his line of vision. He swayed through the bathroom doorway, peed, then washed up and brushed his teeth. He stripped down to his boxers before wrapping himself in a throw and crashing onto the futon, listening to the strains of "You Don't Love Me."
"What a beautiful moment

The truth comes out at last

Once your heart would own me forever

Then this passed

And what a beautiful moment

As my head comes apart

Drunk and in a manner of saying, wasted
'Cause you don't love me

You don't love me

You can't see how I matter in this world

Even though I loved you

You can't believe that

If you find something

You think might make you happy

Then I guess it's okay, I think it's okay

If you go away"
He smiled wryly, musing how this particular cut long served as the soundtrack to his relationship with his mother. He spent countless nights listening to this record--the one thing she'd abandoned along with him. And now years later, he felt that abandonment in full force once again, brought on by Ryou's revelation and their subsequent breakup. As the song faded, he closed his eyes and fell into a dreamless sleep.
* * *
Jessica: *smiles* Thanks, I hope you continue to enjoy this fic!
Lady Laran: Unfortunately Ryou has made his choice already. Sorry to say he isn't too nice to Jou in this fic ... Thanks for reading and commenting!
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In The Name Of Love