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Ambivalence	By : PupshitDesu Category: Yu-Gi-Oh > Yaoi - Male/Male Views: 4882 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 1
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Chapter List
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When morning came, Kaiba grumbled before getting himself out of bed. He could remember half of the night before, it was hazy in his mind, but besides the sex he apparently had, none of the rest of it made him feel too happy about what had happened. He felt really stupid, about how he came after Jonouchi in the guest room, but it had happened and that was over now.
No, he needed to focus on getting himself out of the bedroom and back to work. Pulling the sheets back and ignoring the sleeping man next to him, he got into the bathroom and shut the door before getting under the shower and letting the lukewarm water wake him out of his hangover. His muscles felt crampy, and he wanted something to drink, but at least he didn't feel like throwing up.
Getting out, he took his damn time preening in front of the mirror. His hair was a mess and he worked on combing it out of the mess of knots from sleeping badly the night before, and shaved before picking at his appearance and looking at the dark circles under his eyes.
And his breath was stale. Sake was so bad to him, and it wasn't until almost an hour later did he come out with a towel around him and got dressed in the closet before disappearing with his briefcase and heading down to the dining room for a quick breakfast.
As cowardly as it was, he didn't want to see Jonouchi that morning.
Jonouchi didn't wake up until he heard the bedroom door closing. He sat up, slightly panicked and distraught as he looked to the doorway. From the state of the room, it seemed that Kaiba had just left. He hadn't even said anything.
He sat quietly with the sheets still covering his lower body, his elbows resting on his thighs. He didn't know how much Kaiba remembered about the night before. It was enough for him to leave without saying shit, but not enough for him to kick Jonouchi out entirely. That wasn't very easy to gauge by, but at least it meant there was a tiny chance Jonouchi could approach him to talk it out.
He got out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom to get a quick shower. He had nowhere to go and no reason to get gussied up, but he wanted the residue of sweat and dried cum off his skin. He remembered Kaiba saying that cum on his back was sexy. At the time, it had made him feel really good. Even a little proud. Now it almost felt insulting.
Jonouchi found a spare towel and dried himself before fishing a spare toothbrush out from under Kaiba's bathroom cabinets. He ran across the dildo from the night before and had mixed feelings about it. He'd had a great time. He couldn't deny that, under any circumstances. But he was almost angry at the sight of it, if only because he also associated it with his hurt from the night before.
He sighed and stood with the toothbrush, finding some paste and brushing his teeth quickly. He wanted to catch Kaiba before he left, but he didn't want to annoy him with morning breath either. When he was finished, he found his boxers and then quickly dashed to the guest bedroom, hoping that none of the housekeeping would see him running through the place almost naked.
When he was finished getting dressed, he quickly made his way downstairs. If he was lucky, Kaiba was still at breakfast. He took forever to eat, and Jonouchi had performed his morning ritual quickly. He entered the dining room and fortunately found Kaiba at the table.
Well, he actually had mixed feelings about it. He didn't want to talk to Kaiba, and yet at the same time, he felt like he needed to. Shit was too complicated.
"Hey," he greeted quietly from the doorway, standing against the door a bit timidly. As timid as Jonouchi got, anyway. More like cautious, in case Kaiba happened to be really pissed and he would have to run for it.
"What do you want?"
He was drinking coffee and eating alone, glancing at Jonouchi with a glare before returning to his food. It wasn't much, just toast and some fruit with butter and jam, but he needed something in his system before work. Something easy on his stomach, since it was cramping still from the night before, and after drinking some water, he needed to get his strength back.
"I didn't wake you up this morning for a reason, Jonouchi. If you're hungry, the cook can get you something in the kitchen and the driver will send you whatever you want to go. I'm driving myself to work, and I don't have time for socializing."
"Are you that mad?" Jonouchi was slightly taken aback, and pressed himself against the door. "I didn't want to make you so upset, Kaiba. I'm sorry, I was being irrational last night. I was over-sensitive."
He stayed there against the door, determining that it was the best place to be until he could assess the situation. He was more the type to act on impulse, but with Kaiba it was a bad idea anytime except during sex. It was like trying to approach a surly cat, and the rest of the time it was like trying to approach a regular cat. Neither was very easy, and both scenarios usually led to scratches. Jonouchi preferred to avoid that if at all possible.
"...Will you talk to me about it?" He asked hesitantly. It was probably better to check first, even if he was going to talk regardless.
"What is there to talk about?" Asked Kaiba, looking at Jonouchi pointedly, "You're using me emotionally while dating another man, I remember that much of last night. If you had any sort of decency, you'd find someone else to screw around with instead of someone you profess to "love"."
Jonouchi couldn't really deny any of that. He could have done better to avoid this situation entirely, too. He leaned quietly against the door while he thought of what he should say.
"I can't do much but apologize," he offered, "I was going to try to stop... having sex with you, but last night when you came after me..."
He sighed. How pathetic was it that he couldn't just tell Kaiba to piss off? A bad combination of not wanting to disappoint him, and having terrible willpower, he supposed. There was only so much he could resist, and Kaiba was hard to say no to even when he wasn't being so forward.
"There's nothing else I can really say," he continued, "I fucked up. I'm sorry I hurt you."
"Tch, I'm not hurt."
He rolled his eyes and continued sipping his coffee, crossing his leg under the table. Averting his gaze, he stared down at his food and tried to pretend that Jonouchi wasn't actually there. His gaze was bothersome, and he hated the feeling of being stared at, especially when he knew Jonouchi was just upset with him. It would be better if he'd just leave him alone and go home.
"Just disappointed. But I shouldn't have expected any less from you, honestly."
Jonouchi felt stung, but he approached the table and sat down anyway. He didn't intend to leave if he could help it.
"If you weren't hurt, you wouldn't have brought it up in the first place," he noted, "I won't make excuses. I don't really have any. You know by now that I'm not completely right up here."
He tapped his cranium, still watching Kaiba, who was staring determinedly at his food. His words were hostile, but his body language was escapist. Jonouchi knew how Kaiba was when he was well and truly sick of someone, and this wasn't it.
"You know, I was really hopeful last night when you were talking. Even though you were drunk..."
Kaiba hadn't given a fuck about much of anything while he was trashed. It had made Jonouchi hopeful and distressed at the same time, knowing that he thought those things. Finding out that he hadn't thought he was worthy of a relationship...well, that wasn't wholly surprising, but it still hurt. A lot.
"Hopeful of what exactly? I never gave you any reason to think I was willing to actually date you, Jonouchi. I was only offering what you were so admittedly begging for in the past, and nothing else. If you took that for something entirely different, well, I can't be held accountable for your confusion. I'm not asking for anything more than what you were so willing to give...
But forget it, I'm not even interested in that much anymore. Not if it's going to turn into some emotional drama like I first assumed it would."
"That didn't bother you much last night," Jonouchi scowled, "You seemed pretty keen on it then. Just because you're sober enough to realize I was making sense now doesn't give you any high ground."
He had told him the night before that it was a bad idea. He probably would have tried to avoid fooling around at all and just escaped to the guest bedroom if Kaiba hadn't been so upset about it. Not that he regretted the sex in itself, but the emotional repercussions were staggering. They wouldn't be in this situation if Jonouchi had just left Kaiba to get over his drunken horniness...
"I should have just cut it loose like I'd planned to in the first place," he muttered, "But I wasn't prepared to have you drag me to bed and come after me that hard. I didn't even think you were that interested."
Kaiba snorted, but didn't reply to any of that. He just worked on getting his toast dressed before stuffing it into his mouth and staring at his black coffee. It smelled really good, but he couldn't appreciate the aroma with Jonouchi there trying to shame him or whatever because his biology got the best of him last night. Sometimes shit happened.
Maybe if he just didn't say anything, Jonouchi would lose interest in being angry and leave him alone. They couldn't argue if he didn't reply to anything he said, and stirring his coffee after pouring a little cream and sugar into it, he avoided looking Jonouchi in the eyes at all and just focused on keeping his breathing under control. He didn't want to appear more out of sorts than he really was.
Jonouchi watched Kaiba for a few moments, noting his deliberation. He didn't usually eat as quickly as he was getting through his toast, nor did he chomp on his food so violently. He kept staring into his coffee, but didn't take sips of it between every bite like he usually did. He seemed so completely off that it was almost alarming.
"You probably don't remember," Jonouchi spoke, knowing Kaiba heard him even if he wouldn't speak, "But last night, you kept telling me to break up with my boyfriend so I could have sex with you without feeling guilty. I don't know if you said it because you were horny, or because you were concerned about me, or both. That wasn't why I was snappy, though.
I was upset because you just wanted me for sex and "company" as you put it. I'm flattered that you like having me around, Kaiba, and I'm glad you're attracted to me so much, really. But it won't be any better for me to let you get your kicks with me while I'm desperately in love and you don't even think I'm worth dating. It's no less shitty than what I'm dealing with now."
He sighed, feeling nervous constriction in his chest. It was hard being sincere. Getting lashed at when he was joking was bad enough, much less if he was spilling his guts.
"So I'm not going to do that. I'm trying to do something about my relationship, but I'm not going to do it so I can be a tool for you. That said, you can stop brooding over there and acting like it's going to make me disappear. I'm not some spirit you can wish away. I'm your friend, and furthermore, I'm in love with you. So you're stuck with me. Sorry."
He sat and waited to see if Kaiba would say anything. He was starting to feel hungry, and there wasn't a plate for him yet. He glanced at Kaiba's ignored coffee, which was no longer black. Jonouchi picked up the mug boldly, cautiously tipping it and taking a very small sip of the creamed and sweetened drink. It was far more tolerable now. It was almost like a dessert.
"You should drink this before it gets cold," Jonouchi suggested before taking a little bit of Kaiba's food for himself. He knew it was bold, and Kaiba might smack his hand bitchily for it, but he was hungry, dammit. And they were still friends, otherwise he would have been kicked out on his ass already.
"You give me a headache," mumbled Kaiba, pushing his plate away as he watched his food being snatched from under him like it was the most normal thing in the world to do, "And I wish you'd just leave already."
Apparently that wasn't going to happen until he got fed. Which meant someone was going to have to come soon with more food before he lost his breakfast to the blond and he would end up needing to get something at his office. Which wasn't terrible, but not desired. It would be a pain in the ass having to send one of his assistants to get the right food for him, somehow they'd manage to fuck it up.
"You don't make any damn sense, Jonouchi."
"Isn't that what keeps your interest?" Jonouchi grinned before snatching another bit of food. He was doing it more to keep Kaiba talking than anything now. His stomach was satisfied enough that he could wait for some food. "You don't want me to leave. If you did, I'd be out by now. Don't make a face about it, I'm not picking on you. I think it's very sweet."
He snickered and left Kaiba's plate alone for the time being. The man needed his food, after all.
"I'm anything but."
Kaiba didn't touch his plate. He ignored half his breakfast that sat there waiting for him, since Jonouchi got his germs all over it, and staring at the wasted food angrily, he pushed it away again before fishing out his phone and texting the kitchen staff to bring in more since he wanted Japanese instead.
"You can have the rest of that too, I don't want it anymore."
"Why not?" Jonouchi wrinkled his nose. "It's tasty. It's not like I gave it cooties or anything. I washed up before I came down here. Even if I hadn't, all I've touched since last night is myself and you. And you've had both on your mouth before."
He smirked, but he took the plate anyway. Kaiba wasn't going to eat it, he knew. He was such a spoiled rich boy. People in Jonouchi's neighborhood wouldn't waste food like that. What a luxury that must be. Not eating something because of imagined contamination.
"So, now that you're done trying to kick me out," Jonouchi spoke after a few bites, using Kaiba's discarded utensil since he had none of his own, "Can we be friends again?"
"Can that really work out when you want more than that?" Kaiba glanced up at Jonouchi's eyes, "I'm not looking for a relationship. And if you can't handle that, then we certainly can't continue on like before, and I don't see the point in hanging around each other anymore anyway... You're with someone else, and I don't even know who."
Jonouchi averted his eyes momentarily, looking down at the plate. That was a lie. Kaiba knew who, even if he was unwilling to follow that train of thought. At the very least, he must suspect. But he wasn't going to argue that particular point.
"I can handle just being your friend if you don't come after me in the future," Jonouchi smirked, "I can control myself. I can stop myself from chasing you for it. I won't like it, but I can do it. It'll just be shitty for both of us if I don't."
He ate what was left on the plate. How did Kaiba survive on so little food? Jonouchi was still starving.
"I do want more than a friendship with you, but I can't have it. That's easier to live with than having sex with you and not being able to have a relationship. I'm not as resilient to that shit as I thought."
"You picked a shitty person to fall for, regardless..."
"No I didn't," Jonouchi refuted this matter-of-factly, "I made a fantastic choice, if you can call love a choice. The shitty thing is that you don't feel as strongly as I do, but that kind of thing happens."
Given the evidence, it seemed more to him that Kaiba was purposely stopping himself from getting into a romantic situation with him. With how he felt about sex and romance, it seemed unlikely that he wouldn't have some kind of feelings by now. More than just claims of "like" while he was drunk. Jonouchi chose not to call him on it, since it would only piss him off and likely make him more determined to resist.
"Will you dump this boyfriend then?"
Kaiba stared Jonouchi down, taking his coffee back before drinking the majority of it. He didn't like what was going on, it felt bad to him. Like he was leading Jonouchi on, only he didn't see this happening. Not really. Honestly, he thought it was only a crush, and it would go away with time.
And Kaiba never predicted that Jonouchi would be seeing someone.
"You can't do this, Jonouchi. It's not right, and you know it. Especially for you."
"I'm trying to cut it loose," Jonouchi muttered, tapping the pad of his index finger against the table distractedly, "It's really fucked up and complicated, but I'm trying. I don't want to put up with it anymore..."
And yet he continued to do so. Jonouchi couldn't understand himself. It seemed that his determination to put an end to things was easily deflated, and he hated that. He'd never been so beholden to someone before.
"... I'd just be very disappointed if you had lied to me."
"Life is full of disappointments," Jonouchi spoke a bit cruelly before he could stop himself, and immediately felt sorry. He sobered before he continued. "But I'm being an ass. Don't worry about it, Kaiba. I'm glad you care, but don't get too concerned about it. This is just something I'll have to deal with."
Jonouchi didn't like being sour. It wasn't like him, not really. Sometimes he'd have rather cold thoughts and uncomfortably dry humor, but it was always in his head and never things he would actually say. He felt like he was letting things get to him too much. Like it was some kind of infection on his personality.
"Why would you be disappointed, anyway?" Jonouchi asked, raising an eyebrow curiously. "Are you that worried about me?"
"Should I be?"
"Probably," Jonouchi laughed, but it wasn't as cheerful as it should have been.
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Ambivalence