Once More With Feeling Yu-Gi-Oh Style Remake

Open on exterior shot of Raphael's apartment building.
RAPHAEL VOICEOVER: You want some breakfast, baby?
Cut to the bedroom. Raphael and Marina still in bed.
MARINA: You don't have to go to work?
RAPHAEL: Nah, I shut the crew down for the day. My guys start dancing around me, I don't know if I can deal. It's a flab thing. So, waffles?
MARINA: Will you still make me waffles when we're married?
RAPHAEL: No, I'll only make them for myself, but by California law, you will own half of them. (kisses her) Hey, how about omelettes? I could do an omelette. I've almost got that-
Raphael continues talking unintelligibly as Marina sits up and begins to sing to the camera.

MARINA:
This is the man that I plan to entangle
Isn't he fine?
My claim to fame was to maim and to mangle
Vengeance was mine!
But I'm out of the biz
The name I made, I'll trade for his
The only trouble is [pauses, shakes her head]
I'll never tell.
Marina gets up and walks off. Raphael sits up in bed and sings to the camera.
RAPHAEL:
She is the one
She's such wonderful fun
Such passion and grace.
Marina returns, sits beside him to put on her slippers. Raphael fondles her knee.
RAPHAEL:
Warm in the night when I'm right in her tight- [catches himself]
Embrace! Tight embrace! [hugs her]
I'll never let her go [Marina putting slippers on]
The love we've known can only grow
There's just one thing that - no.
I'll never tell.
BOTH:
'Cause there's nothing to tell.
Cut to the two of them leaving the bedroom, emerging into the living room.
MARINA:
He snores.
RAPHAEL:
She wheezes.
MARINA:
Say 'housework' and he freezes.
RAPHAEL: [opens the fridge]
She eats these skeezy cheeses that I can't describe.
Raphael picks up a green cheese, sniffs it and makes an "ew" face.
MARINA:
I talk, he breezes.
RAPHAEL:
She doesn't know what pleases.
MARINA:
His penis got diseases from a Chumash tribe! [Raphael looks annoyed, closes fridge]
BOTH:
The vibe gets kind of scary
RAPHAEL:
Like she thinks I'm ordinary
MARINA:
Like it's all just temporary
RAPHAEL:
Like her toes are kind of hairy
BOTH: [giving each other fake smiles]
But it's all very well
'Cause god knows, I'll never tell!
Raphael opens the newspaper. The headline on the front page reads: MAYHEM CAUSED. MONSTERS CERTAINLY NOT INVOLVED, OFFICIALS SAY.
MARINA:
When things get rough, he
Just hides behind his Ali! [Raphael gives her a look]
Now look, he's getting huffy
'Cause he knows that I know.
RAPHAEL
She clings
She's needy
She's also really greedy
She nev-
MARINA:
His eyes are beady!
RAPHAEL:
This is my verse, hello!
She-
Marina begins to dance in flapper style.
MARINA: (spoken) Look at me! I'm dancing crazy!
Raphael joins the dance and they dance together around the apartment.
BOTH:
You know...
RAPHAEL:
You're quite the charmer.
MARINA:
My knight in armor.
RAPHAEL:
You're the cutest of the Scoobies
With your lips as red as rubies
And your firm yet supple- [catches himself]
Tight embrace!
They resume dancing, then go to opposite sides of the dining room table and sit.
MARINA:
He's swell
RAPHAEL:
She's sweller
MARINA:
He'll always be my feller
RAPHAEL:
That's why I'll never tell her that I'm petrified.
MARINA:
I've read this tale
There's wedding, then betrayal
I know there'll come the day I'll want to run and hide.
They get up, crawl across the table toward each other.
BOTH:
I lied
I said it's easy
I've tried
But there's these fears I've can't quell
They sit with their backs pressed against each other.
RAPHAEL:
Is she looking for a pot of gold?
MARINA:
Will I look good when I've gotten old? [stands up]
RAPHAEL:
Will our lives become too stressful if I'm never that successful?
MARINA:
When I get so worn and wrinkly that I look like David Brinkley?
They get up, resume dancing.
RAPHAEL:
Am I crazy?
MARINA:
Am I dreamin'?
RAPHAEL:
Am I marrying a demon?
BOTH:
We could really raise the beam in making marriage a hell!
So, thank god, I'll never tell!
I swear that I'll never tell!
They walk around the table, toward the couches in the living-room area.
RAPHAEL:
My lips are sealed
MARINA:
I take the Fifth
RAPHAEL:
Nothing to see
Move it along
BOTH:
I'll never
Tell!
They both fall back onto the sofa, clutching each other and laughing fake Hollywood-musical laughs.

Cut to the street. Anya and Xander are on either side of Giles, all walking down the street. Anya and Xander both talking at once.
RAPHAEL: It's a nightmare.
MARINA: It has to be stopped.
RAPHAEL: It's a plague. It's like a nightmare about a plague.
MARINA: It was like we were being watched.
RAPHAEL: It's like, I didn't wanna be saying things-
MARINA: Like there was a wall missing-
RAPHAEL: -but they just kept pouring out.
MARINA: -in our apartment.
RAPHAEL: And they rhymed and they were mean and
MARINA: Like there were only three walls and not a fourth wall and
RAPHAEL: My eyes are not beady!
MARINA: My toes are not hairy!
They stop talking over each other.
RAPHAEL: Dartz, you've got to stop it.
DARTZ: Well, I am looking into some leads, and I-
MARINA: It's just, clearly our number is a retro pastiche that's never going to be a breakaway pop hit.
DARTZ: Work with me, Alantian man. Give me an axe and show me where to point it.
We hear a woman singing but we can't see her or make out the words yet.
DARTZ: Well now, Raphael, it's not quite that simple. But I have learned about some disturbing things. Basically-

They continue talking in the background as we focus on a woman who is standing by her car singing to a policeman. The cop is writing her a parking ticket and we see that her car is parked next to a fire hydrant. As she sings we can see Dartz, Raphael, and Marina standing and talking in background.
WOMAN:
I'm asking you please no
It isn't right, it isn't fair
There was no parking anywhere
I think that hydrant wasn't there
[cop gives her the ticket]
Why can't you let it go?
I think I've paid more than my share...
She continues singing in the background as Raphael, Marina, and Dartz resume walking and talking.
RAPHAEL: As in burnt up? Somebody set people on fire? That's nuts!
MARINA: I don't know. One more verse of our little ditty and I would've been looking for a gas can.
DARTZ: Well, clearly emotions are running high. (We see people in background dancing together) But as far as I can tell these people burnt up from the inside, spontaneously combusted. (Three street sweeper men in background dancing with brooms) I've only seen the one. I was able to examine the body while the police were taking witness arias.
XRAPHAEL: Okay, but we're sure that the things are related: the singing and dancing, and burning and dying.
They stop walking. The street sweepers continue their dance in background.
DARTZ: We're not sure of much. Alister's looking for leads at the local demon haunts, at least ... in theory he is, but ... he doesn't seem to-
RAPHAEL: he's easing back into it. We pulled him out of an untold hell dimension. Ergo the weirdness. The important thing is to be there for him.
DARTZ: (shakes head) I'm helping him as much as I can, but, uh...
Marina pats Dartz awkwardly on the shoulder.