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Innocent Guilt
By : ShadowSanctuary
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh > Yaoi - Male/Male
Views: 2111 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0Disclaimer: I do not own YuGiOh!, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. - Chapter List
Prologue: Innocent Guilt
“You’re not a bad person.” Joey
said softly. “You know ‘dat, don’t you:p>Carelessly, I shrugged,
avoiding any real eye contact.“Don’t give me ‘dat, Set. Now’s your chance ta
prove ve gve got what I think ya do.”“What’s that?” I asked dully.
“Honesty.”
“Oh.”
“Not ‘oh’. I want more than
some half-assed try at duckin’ questions.”“Like…?”
“The truth.” he said simply.
“That’s all I want from ya. Some explanation for why ya are the way ya are, why ya do these horrible things to yourself.”I
looked up sharply at him. Hazel eyes regarded me with a silent sense of wonder,
studying my reaction, waiting expectantly for a reply. Would anything I had to
say serve as a suitable excuse for my behavior? What could I possibly tell him
that wouldn’t be cross-examined or analyzed to death? I wanted to spill my
deepest, darkest dilemmas to him, cry on his shoulder, just bawl like a baby
until every last gruesome detail was revealed, but I couldn’t do it. I just
couldn’t. Nobody wants to listen to my problems about keeping anything down,
the binges I go on after starving for days on end, the bad habit of jabbing my
fingers down my throat, jerking forward, puking into that ever-hungry toilet
bowl. How could I disclose that to a therapist, much less someone I know from
school? Would I be able to flush out my whole story-laxative abuse, severe
depression, obsessing over weight loss, measuring myself in the mirror,
counting the bones showing through my skin, spitting out half-chewed
candy-without being hated or judged?Sick to my stomach, my head
began to dip in shame, but a hand under my jaw prevented me from going into
hiding.“I wanna
know, man.” Joey urged. “Why?”Absently, I shook my head.
“You don’t know, then?”
“No, that’s not it. That’s
not it at all.”“Then what? What is it?”
Could
I trust him? Will I be doing myself a favor if I do? Figuring I’d be no better
off keeping my history in a vault, my fingers, as if finagling a combination on
a lock, circled round and round on top of the arm of the park bench. One
imaginary number went by, then another registered,
drawing close to the third and final digit in the password to my personal
files, each containing the sick, sad episodes I experienced. Dehydration,
self-mutilation, spitting up blood while vomiting, nasty mood swings, attempts
at suicide, creating death wishes-every morbid action was strategically played,
carefully thought through, the dominoes all lined up and ready to fall into
place. All they needed was my command, the last and ultimate order to drive the
stakes into my wrists, crucifying me for my multitude of mistakes.For
what, though? What were these sequences of self-inflicted misery geared
towards? Is that my primary focus, to win an early funeral? Was that the only
way I could obtain peace in my warring head? Once I perished, would the voices
stop, be quiet, die with me? No. They would follow me wherever I would go, my
immortals succeeding over a tragic hero’s valor-unless I triumphed over them.
Everything that has a beginning has an end. This will have an end. Not decades,
weeks from now, or even tomorrow.t'>
Tonight.
It all ends tonight.
Opening the door to my
chamber of secrets, I unleashed a lifetime of pain, regret, remorse, and every
imaginable feeling of ill will designed to tear myself apart.“I hate myself.” I divulged,
looking him in the face, my words dead serious and devoid of humor. “I’ve never
liked myself. Never.”His
expression changed from calm and collected to sad, upset, and even slightly
disturbed. He couldn’t bring himself to speak, but rolled his hand in a nice,
easy-going loop. The gesture was an odd, shaky way of telling me to continue.
For reasons I didn’t understand myself, I did what he wanted me to do. Licking
my dry, cracked lips, I resumed the terrible tale of my existence, one that I
not only hoped would have an end one day, but would also make me innocent of
the eating disorder that caused me such great guilt…- You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.You need to be logged in to leave a review for this story.
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