Reviews for Sexy Football

BY : amk8930


  • From shotaboy on February 24, 2021

    I loved this story 

    can I be in it



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  • From ANON - First Reviewer Is Right on May 19, 2015

    The plot aspects of the story are dumb, but it's a PWP fic, clearly story is not intended to be the focus. The problem with the fic is that the sex stuff is awful. I've read a lot of sex fics, wrote several, too. I know there is no one good way to write a fic like this, but this is a wrong way to do it.

    On the technical side, your fic is awful. If English is not your first language, I advise you get someone to help clean it up. You capitalize random words, use improper punctuation, make many spelling errors, and often do not use a new line to differentiate between speakers in a conversation. This all contributes to making your fic unreadable on technical aspects alone, nevermind the lacking creative aspects.

    The football stuff is boring. And it's not because of the time spent on it, it's because you clearly don't care about the sports, it's just the backdrop for the sex. We're given straightforward statistics about what happens with rundowns of the stats after each play. We have no reason to care about the game. We don't know the characters in this AU setting, we don't know the school, and you give little detail on the actual game being played.

    Then there's the sex. "This stuff happens in hentai" is not an excuse for biologically impossible feats of sexual activity. It simply isn't. Incest and yaoi and anal sex, sure, to each their own. But huge breasts and dicks, public orgies, lactation, and all the other chaos you're writing, are ridiculous. They're ridiculous in hentai and they're ridiculous here. If you want to emulate the hentai genre, then why are we reading your fic? There are online hentai sites, why would anyone want to read poorly written hentai fanfiction when they can read actual hentai with artwork elsewhere?

    The biggest drawback to this fic is just how utterly shameless it is. Even hentai has more dignity than this fic. Every passage in it is to emphasizes the world you've created, a world where women are proud to be sluts, people have no problem having sex in public, incest and bloody anal sex are perfectly acceptable, and everyone has oversized sex organs. It's dumb and immature. It comes off as though you're trying to cater to every possible fetish you can all at once while being as graphic as you can about it, but it's so overblown it comes off as childish.

    There are plenty of fics on this site that have shameless, gratuitous sexuality with overly promiscuous characters, just from the 5Ds section alone. But you take it way too far and it's impossible to take seriously. This fic really, does everything wrong that one can do with stories like this. The sex is not arousing, the story is a joke, the setting is poorly defined, the focus is inconsistent, and the writing style is sloppy.

    This is a bad fic. And that is a statement of fact, not a flame or opinion.

    My advice to improve it is to heavily tone down the exaggerated depictions of sexuality, get a pre-reader who knows English better to clean up the technical aspects, and either dispense with the pretense of story for pure porn, or make it stronger so when you take the time to tell the story, we care. I advise looking at "SEXUAL INTERCOURSE ON MOTORBIKES!", "Divine Pleasures" or "The Bond Between Us" on this site for a sample of how good 5Ds sexfics can be when actual effort is put into them. You don't have to give us Shakespeare - you just have to give us effort and maturity. And there is little of either in the current product.

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  • From ANON - TheGreatAuthor on April 15, 2015

    I read your story and I have to say that there are some huge mistakes that you made:
    -> The intro itself has nothing to do with the story (besides only because the girl has huge breasts the shirt wouldn't even break apart)
    -> Breasts don't grow if you drink a lot of milk
    -> It's not a tradition if women have big breasts. It's may be to some degree an evolutionary advantage, but certainly not a tradition, since you can't influence it.
    -> Why the fuck do they have to take the birth controll pills?
    -> Concerning the Bounce Bounce Dance: Why do the Cheerleaders reduce themselfs to their breasts? Why don't they show any signs of dignity?
    -> Why do the other students join them?
    -> Why do the mothers of the students join them?
    -> Why do the guys jerk off in public?
    -> Why do they have contests in jerking off?
    -> Who cleans the place? There must be a lot of cum on the floor. I certainly hope that the cleaning woman is well payed.
    -> Why do they only show the breasts on the big screens in the stadium? There are for sure some people who want to see the game and not the breasts (e.g. families with children)
    -> If they earn a bunch of money due to the Bounce Bounce Dance, why don't they spend it on useful things (e.g. better sportsman / better trainers for the sportsman)? Spending it on the Bounce Bounce Dance itself doesn't make any sense, since they can train it without any money (it's not that hard)
    -> Luna has for sure no DDD-breasts (here is a link where you can clearly see that: http://img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110331094023/yugioh/images/6/60/Ruafuture.png )
    -> Aki is not 6 feet tall (in her personal information in the wiki of Yu-Gi-Oh! stands that she is 165cm tall (5 feet 461⁄64 inches)http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Akiza_Izinski )
    -> Luna is shorter than Aki, thus she is not 5 feet 7 inches tall
    -> Why do you pair Luna with Yusei?
    -> Why do you pair Aki with Dexter?
    -> Jack and Crow both are sporty, that's true, however they are not "buff" which you can see clearly in their concept arts (Jack: http://cardgamesonwhatnow.tumblr.com/image/14500470056 Crow: http://cardgamesonwhatnow.tumblr.com/image/14500110446 )
    -> Brunos surname is not Valentine, it's Borrelli
    -> Why does a Japanese team play against an American Team?
    -> Why do Crows mothers touch each other in public?
    -> Why is Crow a motherfucker (literally)?
    -> Why does Leo date a grandpa? (Why does Jakob even go to collage? http://img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20150302102659/yugioh/images/f/fc/Yu-Gi-Oh!_5D%27s_133_Jose.jpg )
    -> Why do Jack and Crow even make fun of Dexter and Yusei? That's very very out of character.
    -> Why do Leo and Jakob fuck in the middle of the chaning stall? Why is nobody bothered by that?
    -> Why are there even reporters? No one gives a fuck if two collages play against each other.
    -> New Domino Double D's is a very uncreative name
    -> Do you even know anything about sex?
    -> You cant tie hands with a breast-holder
    -> Why would he choke her??
    -> The heaviest reaction that you may expect from a girl when deep throating would be her vomiting on your junk (or biting you) but certainly not passing out
    -> "All she felt was [...] feeling his muscular hand choking [...]." I thought Dexter wasn't muscular.
    -> Also she wouldn't die from pleasure, but from lack of air which is most certainly not pleasureable at all
    -> Aki seems like a Masochist in this story, however in the Anime she was more like a Saddist (you can see that in the duels she had with Yusei)
    -> Why would you spit and piss in someones face at the same time?
    -> Why would Aki want him to poop in the bed? Did she watch too much 2 Girls 1 Cup or something?
    -> If Aki doesn't want sex from behind, it's rape and not SM (not that any of those things were SM anyways..)
    -> Anal Sex without any preparation is not pleasureable at all. It just hurts.
    -> "Dexter humped her ass so hard, so much her poop was filled with blood." Perineal tear do not cause any pleasure, they cause pain and lead to death (at least when you do nothing which is clearly the case here)
    -> A dildo which is double as big as a junk from a horse only leads to heavy fractures inside your body and most likely to enterocele. She wouldn't survive that.
    -> Jumper Cables are not toys to play with like that.
    -> There wouldn't come any milk out of her breasts if you do that.
    -> If she is tied to a chair, how the fuck can he put a huge dildo in her ass?

    Apparently you have no idea of SM or sex in general.
    If you write a story with those two elements in it then inform yourself and don't just write things that you think are right, cause this is the way how stereotypes are created.

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